I was pondering this morning...a dangerous thing is a mind with the ability to flow, especially when it has the time to follow that current. I was thinking specifically about worship. why do we worship? what is it really? what does it do? is it for the worshiped or the worshiper?... these thoughts aren't abnormal for me. worship is something thats on my mind allot really so this is all familiar ground to me. I ask those questions often and seek the answers regularly like they were the first time I'd asked them. but this time I thought of a broader angle. Typically I think more first person (I'm selfish I know just go with it) Why do I worship God, is the way I worship God right and good and the way it should be, this type of thing. but this was a different thought, it was an outward comparison that made me see how much my God is worth all of my worship. so here's the thought.

My mind survey religions: mainstream, tribal, pagan or "Christian." (anything contained in the spectrum of an "act of worship") I thought as I considered the religions that I was familiar with, from tribal forms to service forms (Islam, Catholicism, Jehovah's Whiteness' etc.) I thought of how most peoples worship is a form of favor or fear, where as biblical christianity has its worship centered around interaction and connection with its deity. Many forms of religion define their worship as something they have to suffer and give u; the clech'e sacrificing of children, or livestock; giving money, ritual/obedience suicides. The things they believe have them focused on this type of worship to define their devotion or favor. A young man, to be devoted to his god, kills another; or a  business man giving a fat check to his church with the same mindset. I hear allot of christians that say things like "worship is a lifestyle" and we sing songs that say "let my lifesong sing to you" and this is all called worship. the decisions I make and the manner that I conduct myself throughout my day to day is now called worship. For the individual I'll give the license to define if it is or not, but as I thought about it today i saw that as Honoring truth, and while I suppose that is a form of worship in itself it was isolated by what I was thinking of worship. I've defined worship for years as "ascribing God his due worth" and that has some form in my day to day yes. that honor and devotion has an aspect of sure worship. but for a minute pack that aside and go with me on something... when I walk into a church and sing a song or when I pray. I can fail at my day to day honor towards God and yet sing and pray with a sincerity of who God is. is that worship?? ...I would say yes, can I appreciate and admire the character of God and still make lingering bad decisions? I sure hope so because I've done it for years. this whole train of thought was considering the gift that it is to be able to do that. that as a christian i can fail and suck at life decisions, live in dishonor and selfishness. and still respect and joy in the character of my God. they aren't connected as much as I usually make them to be in my mind. Which does leave room for people to try and enjoy God's character and presence, then dishonor him all week long, and this does happen (not just in "their" life...in yours and mine  too) But I was thinking about seeing how different our worship is from everybody else's. others have to "worship" hard... while we get to enjoy our God. Makes me see God differently. makes me see worship differently, where its not again a means of gaining anything from God...its just hanging out with him. Being excited about him, Thankful for him.
So there you have it, allot of rambling and disjointed thoughts but they make sense to me, you can deal with it.

for months God its been the same, for years mostly. There has been levity in moments and huddles of time. Sometimes a week, sometimes just a breath. but mostly the same for some time know...a little over three years our honeymoon time couldn't have lasted forever, yes... did the season that followed have to be so long, so dark at times,so lonely, bitter and depressing. Struggling and striving. success surrounds me and everyone thrives. and I...I'm not stopping, your not getting rid of me that easily. I love you, I believe you, Its not an every day thing that I don't like you, but that doesn't mean that the other days I do like you either. Its been a time of learning how much that love is a choice, not just with people, yes that too, but also with you. I study, I learn, I converse and intrigue where I can have effect. and all the time knowing that I never wanted to have to love you like this. You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me and I want to live in your joy more than in your "be-attitudes." I know some that are enthralled in you, not in the naive first time riding a bike kind of way, no... they've know the reality of knowing you, and their worm in your love. Most days I wake up, and try my best to be in the world in the manner of one that knows your goodness. Wether I see your warmth or not I know your True, Just and Good. And without or without your joy that will keep me going. I know I can move and forge ahead in everything you have for me on just that. I don't doubt it; I rarely have. That's my "most days" ...

...today... you allowed different, I pray for your warmth, for your mercy and goodness more than your reality in life. today you worked. I would continue regardless of your answer to those prayers, because they aren't as important as truth. But of course I would rather have both, but that never seams to work in my life, I see it in others. but today you worked like that in mine. I could enjoy your words, didn't get profoundness out of them per-say, but I loved just being there, Today you worked for me. I rarely find myself simply overwhelmed by you for no reason, but today that prayer worked, I could barely keep my stupid car on the road through tears that had no emotion; no sadness or specific high, they just were... today being a christian actually worked, it was more than being on the side of truth, it was being with you.  ... today you worked. thank you.

The loyal are better off than the loved.

I have wrestled with a phenomenon that keeps making an appearance in my life. I've been blessed by having wonderful people around me. people that are very real with who they are. I appreciate them more than they will ever know. They're closer to me than blood and I would die for many of them, they tell me that they love me, and more than a handful have gone out of their way to show me that they love me too. 
And every once and a while, I find a particular girl thats already in my life that I want to keep around for good if I can swing it.) So far I have a perfect track record. (just in case you need a subtle hint I'm single) And its usually as someone  is walking away, slipping away, or flat out jogging away that I hear the words of reassurance "I do love you."
and i don't want you to read those words cynically. The few girls I've had the Honor (!) of pursuing after were wonderful, and meant so so much to me even now. We were careful with each other and left the relationship with no or little regret (now I didn't say it wasn't hurtful some times, or difficult for sure, for those of you that know my story you know) And their words that affirmed their love for me weren't hollow, I know from the girls that said those words to me did mean them. And yet, when my ears heard them I found myself dropping my hands and furrowing my forehead. My reaction didn't mean that I found them less than sincere, I found all of them to be quite sincere. Yet the reassurance wasn't' ever what I thought it would be. the phrase meant allot yes, but their love didn't matter. Because it's never been enough for one of them to stay. And these are girls I know understand what love is and isn't in reality. I'd find myself thinking "ok, so you love me... why doesn't that change things then.?" Even i believed their love to be genuine; without question actually. and yet I knew that love didn't mean as much all a sudden. because they were taking their love, packing it up and choosing to walk away. They didn't "fall out of love" in fact all of them did the apposite, they took their love with them when they left. 


I've always esteemed love as the greatest state or decision to find yourself in. I assumed that with all that the bible says about love, made it the greatest. And honestly that made good sense to me. So why did it feel like the reassurance wasn't adequate. if love is the greatest, than why did it suddenly make itself of no consequence. There's something missing from love. love by itself is wonderful, but nearly useless. Like a door lock a 24 hr, store, yeah I'm glad its there but what good is it doing. I've learned recently what the missing part of love is: Its loyalty, without loyalty Love means very little all of a sudden. And love means allot I don't want to down play it. But without loyalty I don't know that love has had any effect on my life, I've still lost everybody so far thats loved me. They made a decision to love me, but no one I've ever met has made the decision to be loyal too. Love is wonderful, but I now think differently about its importance. Love is a decision thats vital to make for the people that are important to you, but the ones that stay have to make the next decision, to choose also to be loyal too. 






Loyalty:  "faithfulness or devotion to a person conceived as deserving of fidelity." 
Psalm 20: 28 "loyal love and truth preserve a king, and his thrown is upheld by loyal love"

life love and truth?!!?

Ok God so I get that real love is not emotion driven narrow minded euphoria. I get that its not the kind of thing that "comes and goes" I get that its also not something that always will feel good. You tell that real love has, in fact, no resemblance to those things. quite different actually. you say that real love is being patient with someone, when I'm stressed and out of energy. That its being kind to a person who does things that hurt you. Mostly you say that real love is looking out for someone even and especially at my own expense, and I don't think I'm going outside your word to add that you do that regardless of how they response to you. You say that I should know love by what I've seen you do for me. The defining thing that always makes the bible true to me is that even things that I don't think work, or don't feel they should work that way... when I do them your way, they work. I see that in the example of yourself. All of those things that you've said ARE love I see in you. Your very name is synonymous in definition with love as you've it. So I see it there.
But I still don't see that act of the play put into flesh aside from in you. I see other ideas of "love" work for other people, and that doesn't make sense. I just had a conversation with a guy a few minutes ago about how he's "putting out feelers" to the girl he likes, but always leaving a way out that he can back peddle to. God that seams cruel to me. (yeah I get to give him my opinion after church... that'll be fun) but  the reality is that some day that's likely to work out for him. I've seen a thousand philosophies of love that aren't anything like yours work out. I'm not saying that I EVER (!) want that to be me. I have seen your definition work the best. I'm not abandoning it by any means. But in most other areas, when people try and twist, distort, fog or flat out try things different than you, it doesn't have the epic fail that usually follow things that are not your idea. I suppose I'm curious why you allow that in this of all areas to go on. you allow the lines of "success" to get blurred here where in other places and compartments of life you draw a distinct contrast. Is that your compassion? and if it is, than where's your compassion for those that adhere to your definition? The responsibility of adhering to your best idea is great, and so are its rewards I'm sure, but when does your compassion decide on our success. or even on our levity. this is when I want to see you, to have that kind of coffee chat with you. I know that you desire my trust, and you have it. I just wish for the same intimate understanding I get from you on other things.

Well its kinda late (for most people) and I just said goodnight to some of the people I love the most. They're scattered all over the globe and I still get to tell them "G'night." I have an essay to finish by the morning, I've been working on it a while and just need to get my head out, or my head is out and I need to clear it before going back... either way, here I am and most decidedly not there.
It's been a few weeks since my last blog, not cause I didn't want to, I've actually been meaning to write for a while, but some silence is good too. And even though i thrive on transparency, its better that some things are held solo or kept between only a few. But there is something I've learned about God over the last, gosh, I don't know how long, Its been a few years of educating at this point. It has to do with how I see God now verse how I saw him when I first became a Christian. I don't know that I'd call it a nicer picture... but its probably more accurate.
When God first started showing up, it was fun, He was exciting to get to know! He was a trip man, so new...so exciting, so...I don't know...fun. And even though it was nerve racking sometimes, just with different things I went through to see different parts of him. it was exciting...It was a literal adrenaline rush. It was the same euphoria as I get flying or Rock climbing when I have to do something a little stupid to get my next grab. It felt the same, just as real. Just as high. But God didn't keep that. in fact its very upside down from what I always thought I was getting into with him. So what keeps me on his side if he's not like he was... simple. I didn't start believing because he was fun, not even, I wanted nothing to do with "his kind of fun," I was pleasantly surprised when I started enjoying him. No; I believed because I saw the things I saw in the bible, (not the things in churches or from christians mind you, I'll save that for a not as family friendly blog ;) and the things it said about Jesus, and the things it said about God... When I really looked, they were true. or at least with some of them "IF" they were true, I could believe in a God like that.
I saw a principle in "truth" that to be truth, I couldn't decide it to be true, I could only recognize it as true. it was true regardless of my recognition of it. so what kind of drastic difference does this make. To me... it makes everything different. You see I don't enjoy God most of the time any more, in fact, to be perfectly honest, some days I don't even like him. I've said the prayer more than once "I'm not going along with you because I want to... but because I told you I would" because like it or not; He was still God: and even though being with him is "uncomfortable" (*PG). and some times flat out hurts. I know that he IS a better man than I. and I can trust a better man than me. I remember a teaching recently where [scott] said, "if your wanting to get into ministry because of your compassion for people, I hate to tell you, your gonna have a short carrier." because your compassion will only get you so far; it will only last through so many long nights, hard conversations and 2 am phone calls. "Your going to run out of compassion, because your dealing with people, and people hurt. but a compulsion for God to see his glory, in all of the mess of life, thats an endurance you cant measure." That idea has been bouncing around in my head since I heard it. because it resonates with my life, you see THAT makes my life make sense. because even thought I don't LIKE God...I can still love who he is. Because I know he's right... because even though some days it seams so much easier if I could just ignore him... I know he's real. And knowing that he's real, changes things. it doesn't make life full of smiles and games. It doesn't make my nights any shorter or have me wake up rested and peaceful. but after the longest night, I can get out of my bed in the morning knowing that life still hurts, [so and so] is still gone, whatever is going good in my life has the ability to combust just as fast as the last thing did. I can get up, take a deep breath and count every minute until I go to sleep tonight only to do it all again tomorrow. I can do that, not because I can fake a smile, take a pill or think of greener grass, but because I know that the one who said that He's there...is there. and that same one said that he's faithful to me, and I believe him, even though I doubt, I trust. and even though life doesn't make sense, I know that I can KNOW what I see in him is real and thats enough some how. I find some fortitude in "truth," I don't find much energy there, but I do find strength.

Disconnect

Disconnected, disjointed, fragmented... like a vacuum cleaner that still gets run around on the floor but isn't plugged in, you can click the button all you want, but its not gonna do its job very well. Tired of perfunctory "bliss." Smile and wave. Act on the fringe of wantonness. Full in awareness, at least you have that right... um... yeah... right. Never, not, or not now.... never seams to never be never here... or is that ever? The bible is so clear about how vague it is. Choose... but then you choose what you cant choose, and you've made a wonderful choice actually. because that makes sense. After all, nothing makes sense to make sense... that wouldn't make sense would it? Not by experience. But its not like you can really decide anyway, you place your bets and walk away rich or poor. It was the same bet... but now your broke, fine fine... or maybe rich (call me a cynic). and on that note, I'm gonna go eat pizza.

Character of unbelief

I've been thinking about character allot lately, which is nothing abnormal, I think about character often. One particular facet of character though has been most in my mind. It's the contrast that I see between Christians and non Christians. As I usually do I only tell a surmised conclusion of whatever I'm thinking and not really how i got there. [A thing that i find funny because it used to annoy the crap out of parents] And so I posted the concise version of my thoughts on my Facebook saying that:" Non-Christians go to hell with twice the character than Christians take to heaven." But I thought for fun I'd actually tell you the rationale behind it, (mostly because of comments people have made to me.) 

Under character I consider: Integrity, ethic (work and social), Honor, Honesty (down to which I include intent to deceive), Courage, fortitude, patience etc.  My observation is that I see more of this showing through the lives of people outside of Christianity than inside. The point was made on the status that Christians have a higher standard of character found in the bible than non Christians do in whatever source they site. And yes, that’s true the bible does depict a standard, however if you believe that all truth emanates from God than all men are held to biblical standard regardless of their recognition. A truly biblical view puts man completely on an equal plain. Siting that Christians exhibit less character because of higher standards is moral relativism. Which, honestly, is what I believe the problem is in Christianity; we treat people like we're on a bell and of course you can imagine where we put ourselves on the curve. Its a mindset problem, (not a small one by the way) and I believe that it leads to either seeing an impossible thing and therefore not trying; or a much sadder, more destructive conclusion that we achieve this standard simply by being a Christian. Honestly thats the one I see more of I think. It’s an assumption that your magically a better person because you’re on the side of truth. That’s pretty arrogant, oh yeah, and completely naive. You become a Christian because of something that someone else did for you remember? Why do you think the bible states so many warnings for how we live and love in this world? As far as living goes, Christians do have a source of understanding truth, it’s the combination of God’s word and Gods ministry to us, aka reading your bible and having the Holy Spirit. This is a point that I had some agreement on, even though it wasn't something I disputed... what I disputed is that despite the advantage that Christians DO have to be leaders in morals and personal character, we completely suck! Ask a business man which he would rather have working for him and a strong majority will take a non Christians any day. But wait... don't all the warnings teach Christians to watch their lives so that people can see their faith? Oh, people can see your faith, more than I think you know. People have a phony meter and they can see how genuine your beliefs, and your character are. I have a bible degree and I'd rather hang out with the average person on a street corner or talk with random people in a restaurant than go to lunch with someone after church. Character doesn't save you from hell, or earn you heaven, Christ is the difference, A God that trades places with you. So why does my conclusion surprise you? Why do you assume that the Elitist of peoples will be in heaven? Don’t we see different in the bible. Jesus says “its not the healthy that need a doctor but the sick.” Won’t heaven be filled with messed up people…  If you can answer that than answer this… why do you assume that you’re not one of the messed up? I find most Christians put themselves in the “not so messed up” category. Shame, because I believe its assumptions like that that place higher character in non-Christians. They still care if they have integrity, care about respect, and want to be an honorable person. So now you have my thoughts, you have my conclusions…post your thoughts…