כִּשָׁלוֹן

Plug it in, crank it up…set the sleep timer for 30 min but you know it’s gonna get reset more than once. A distorted Guitar starts to build from the static, as It builds it seems to direct you to take a deep breath, it calms…anticipates. The hammer drops, and the band erupts in face melting madness, It’s about here that you lose the reality that you’re the only one listening. And a world forms from the melodies that sooths you… The vocalist starts painting a story but soon words become inept to describe the next part but that’s ok, everyone understands a simple scream. The song connects, so personal that you feel like its you screaming, its expressing what brought you to this song. You crave to escape but in moment of escape seams to also desire confrontation. This will do for both, maybe not the first time around, but replay and replay as you fade to sleep and it gets better.

It’s the end of the line shared by so many things: longings, frustrations, apathies, PISSED OFF, being hurt, being crushed, being…jaded, failure. Not allowed to be allowed (yet or at all) Trying only to be what you can be today, yet being the same as you can be for the future. Possible?...probable? …Grrr! Taking all the wrong boxes, the ones I think are broken, pouring the contents out in a moment of frustration and not stopping until your exhausted or out of boxes. Collapse to the floor and begin putting things all back where they came from.

Ezri's first blog...

 PPPPPPPPOPOOPPPPODDPODPODOPDOPDPOPODOPODO MC,XM,   VB    DHYFJVGLYGLYILUYUY  CCCIXIXXIJXZJXJUCXHUCXHUIXCHCXHUCXHUICUHICUIHUIHCUIH

M,            

MMM  M M M MN       N  L,,LL;,HL;HKLKHLHKLFGKLHGFXEED RSSDLKHGKLKBFGKKGKGKKKJJJJJJJJJJJDYSGTGGDGDCGDGGDGJKKFJKJFJNDFNDFVJ

                                         

The mondays

Security or monotony?  I say like a broken record that I DO NOT want the 9-5 lifestyle. Even though there is a sense of security that accompanies it. Yes, stability would be ok. Yes, there are many awesome things that can come from it. but it still seams like selling your soul if you ask me honestly. I'm not saying for everyone, in fact I've given advice to a number of people along the lines of a "normal-ish" life,  and it served them. But they can keep it.
Honestly I'm stir crazy, wallowing in pointlessness it seams. I love excitement, near death, adrenaline, reckless behavior. I prefer it to be positive, meaning, "high on life" Taking risks that most would never move off of the couch to put into motion no matter how many times they've considered it. I like things like flying and mountaineering, I enjoy cheating death. the rush that makes you actually stop and think "holy crap I could never have tasted THIS moment in life if that just played out differently." I wish you could see the look on my face when something I just experienced brings thoughts of frailty and mortality. My face is alive. I beam. Looking at the face of death truly helps you taste life. You can actually feel the adrenal gland in your chest secrete, THOSE are the times I live for!!! I love it. You can  say I'm addicted and you'd probably be right. But do you want to know what happens to someone like me who traps himself in monotony... I feel like lately I've missed out on so much life, I haven't had my breath taken away. I haven't touched the abstract. I don't have enough risk, I don't have enough excitement. I need the recklessness that brakes depression. to feel my own pulse without having to touch an artery. and when I can't... when I haven't for a while. My imagination searches destructive ways to counterfeit the thrill... today I contemplated throwing a rock through somebody's window just to be stupid. I shook that thought off and soon I was thinking of tagging. I don't enjoy the counterfeit. It has no depth. Yet as stupid as it always seams. I contemplate it every time I taste the mundane. for me there is a claustrophobia that accompanies normal. I've found recently that I'm terrible company to myself. If I'm a loner, I'm as good as extinct. I don't like the solitude. It's necessary at times... but not for seasons really. I'm for people. for person. relevance and purpose... even when its hard, its ok, because its real. It has substance. it has risk. and that means its worth it.