for months God its been the same, for years mostly. There has been levity in moments and huddles of time. Sometimes a week, sometimes just a breath. but mostly the same for some time know...a little over three years our honeymoon time couldn't have lasted forever, yes... did the season that followed have to be so long, so dark at times,so lonely, bitter and depressing. Struggling and striving. success surrounds me and everyone thrives. and I...I'm not stopping, your not getting rid of me that easily. I love you, I believe you, Its not an every day thing that I don't like you, but that doesn't mean that the other days I do like you either. Its been a time of learning how much that love is a choice, not just with people, yes that too, but also with you. I study, I learn, I converse and intrigue where I can have effect. and all the time knowing that I never wanted to have to love you like this. You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me and I want to live in your joy more than in your "be-attitudes." I know some that are enthralled in you, not in the naive first time riding a bike kind of way, no... they've know the reality of knowing you, and their worm in your love. Most days I wake up, and try my best to be in the world in the manner of one that knows your goodness. Wether I see your warmth or not I know your True, Just and Good. And without or without your joy that will keep me going. I know I can move and forge ahead in everything you have for me on just that. I don't doubt it; I rarely have. That's my "most days" ...

...today... you allowed different, I pray for your warmth, for your mercy and goodness more than your reality in life. today you worked. I would continue regardless of your answer to those prayers, because they aren't as important as truth. But of course I would rather have both, but that never seams to work in my life, I see it in others. but today you worked like that in mine. I could enjoy your words, didn't get profoundness out of them per-say, but I loved just being there, Today you worked for me. I rarely find myself simply overwhelmed by you for no reason, but today that prayer worked, I could barely keep my stupid car on the road through tears that had no emotion; no sadness or specific high, they just were... today being a christian actually worked, it was more than being on the side of truth, it was being with you.  ... today you worked. thank you.

The loyal are better off than the loved.

I have wrestled with a phenomenon that keeps making an appearance in my life. I've been blessed by having wonderful people around me. people that are very real with who they are. I appreciate them more than they will ever know. They're closer to me than blood and I would die for many of them, they tell me that they love me, and more than a handful have gone out of their way to show me that they love me too. 
And every once and a while, I find a particular girl thats already in my life that I want to keep around for good if I can swing it.) So far I have a perfect track record. (just in case you need a subtle hint I'm single) And its usually as someone  is walking away, slipping away, or flat out jogging away that I hear the words of reassurance "I do love you."
and i don't want you to read those words cynically. The few girls I've had the Honor (!) of pursuing after were wonderful, and meant so so much to me even now. We were careful with each other and left the relationship with no or little regret (now I didn't say it wasn't hurtful some times, or difficult for sure, for those of you that know my story you know) And their words that affirmed their love for me weren't hollow, I know from the girls that said those words to me did mean them. And yet, when my ears heard them I found myself dropping my hands and furrowing my forehead. My reaction didn't mean that I found them less than sincere, I found all of them to be quite sincere. Yet the reassurance wasn't' ever what I thought it would be. the phrase meant allot yes, but their love didn't matter. Because it's never been enough for one of them to stay. And these are girls I know understand what love is and isn't in reality. I'd find myself thinking "ok, so you love me... why doesn't that change things then.?" Even i believed their love to be genuine; without question actually. and yet I knew that love didn't mean as much all a sudden. because they were taking their love, packing it up and choosing to walk away. They didn't "fall out of love" in fact all of them did the apposite, they took their love with them when they left. 


I've always esteemed love as the greatest state or decision to find yourself in. I assumed that with all that the bible says about love, made it the greatest. And honestly that made good sense to me. So why did it feel like the reassurance wasn't adequate. if love is the greatest, than why did it suddenly make itself of no consequence. There's something missing from love. love by itself is wonderful, but nearly useless. Like a door lock a 24 hr, store, yeah I'm glad its there but what good is it doing. I've learned recently what the missing part of love is: Its loyalty, without loyalty Love means very little all of a sudden. And love means allot I don't want to down play it. But without loyalty I don't know that love has had any effect on my life, I've still lost everybody so far thats loved me. They made a decision to love me, but no one I've ever met has made the decision to be loyal too. Love is wonderful, but I now think differently about its importance. Love is a decision thats vital to make for the people that are important to you, but the ones that stay have to make the next decision, to choose also to be loyal too. 






Loyalty:  "faithfulness or devotion to a person conceived as deserving of fidelity." 
Psalm 20: 28 "loyal love and truth preserve a king, and his thrown is upheld by loyal love"