So I just wrote out a long blog....and deleted it...if your were going to be tested on the contents of the page you didn't read the cheat sheet would say simply. feeling stir crazy and pathetic....and thats bout all you need...I'm gonna go watch family guy now. so there you have it.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
My life is random...my life is spastic. over here for a month; over there for the next. Not complaining, I like it like that. Its exciting. Thats how my entire adult life has been. since probably 14, 15, 16 somewhere in there. Its kinda the only perspective I have when I look forward. I had a really weird thought today though; I was thinking of a friend of mine, trying to see life from his perspective. it was cool, but weird. My life seams like I'm always getting ready to be going somewhere, but in my mind I never actually get there. Not literally, no I don't think like that. I just mean that thats the way my life looks. A perpetual journey. Trying to put myself in his perspective I saw something totally different. he wasn't "trying to get anywhere." Not meaning that life was passing him by, but like he was where he was at and that was cool by him. It was very different to think of. I've considered before what "settling down" would look like. but only from an outside perspective. I don't know its cause he's "settled down" or not. And I'm not sure, regardless if thats what "settling down" is, I still don't know if I liked it, for me that is. It definitely had a beauty to it, not denying that. It wasn't without its excitement so it seamed. It was just different thats all. And I suppose I never thought to define my life that way....that I was always on my way somewhere but never got there. I don't know if I am headed somewhere specific, or if it is just a journey kind of thing. It's like a girl (stay with me) you chase her...but your never really supposed to ever catch her. thats half the fun. (hmm, couldn't think of anything to say after that, cause now I'm thinking of girls...oh well) right...life...perspective....perpetual journey, blah blah....so I don't know if thats a question I should even seek exploring. I like my life. I don't think I would be happier of I were to "settle down" In fact in allot of ways I'm worried that I wouldn't be happier. (NOT talking about girls anymore....don't extrapolate marriage into "settling down"....you can have both...call me a nieve optimist but yeah)...(great now I'm thinking of Girls again....A.D.D. is sooooo much fun hehe)...and...still stuck on girls...right life...the thought was interesting for sure, have I been chassing something. If so...what?? and will I ever catch it...maybe I'm not supposed to. what if I am supposed to but I don't...oh well. It was certainly an entertaining notion... and the rest of my day is now being spent (not thinking of girls) but deciding If I'm comfortable exploring the opportunity of being a pastor....wha!@#&*^!!!...thats my usual sentiment concerning the idea. I can be involved in ministry without being a shepherd. but is it better....is that what God has me in for?? I like the idea of NOT...and I may be stubborn, but not so much that I wont do it if I feel that thats what God has called me too. But thinking of most of the pastors I know, I want to be nothing like them. not that their bad guys, or even bad pastors...it's just not what I think I could do, or should do....blah...I should go back to thinking of girls...their the less frustrating topic for once
Friday, October 23, 2009
sober irony
So I'm doin, well....what I do...i'm sittin at Starbucks. Working on the book. reading about repentance (well and galationism at the same time) I'm sitting at a table facing the door. the sun is setting and its near blinding. but I get to see all the different people walk in. The looks on their faces, the books they bring in. (the persona they bring in) The lady waring a blue-tooth but hasn't' talked on the phone the whole hour she's been here, but all her mannerisms try to look like savvy business woman. She's got the right shades, the right shoes, the right "piss-off, I'm successful and a woman" look on her face. The emo girl, she's younger, maybe early High school, sitting by her self doing homework. Well...she's kinda doing homework. She's not overkill emo; the clothes are toned down but the eye liner is there. she moves her pencil a bit and looks around at everybody in the room before moving it again. her glance around the room is different though, it asks if people even see her. but the girl that really caught my attention before she even walked in, was "mid riff." I saw her before she got to the door to come in, She's not built skinny, but definitely not out of shape either, young, maybe 18-19ish, between the way she dresses and the way she walks, she's trying to emulate lindsey Lohan completely. And at first my reaction was to roll my eyes. she was trying so hard. but then my thoughts went to how sad her world must be. trying that hard to be worth something, wondering every moment if its working. then I noticed the song that was playing on my Ipod as this played out:
"Love brake me now, strip me down, may your beauty deep inside of me resound, through it be found; come brake me now"
The verses and the heart behind that song just exchanged with the situation as I observed this girl. I tried going and talking with her, I wanted to leave her a book. but I didn't get a chance.
Its these encounters that play in my mind, sometimes for a day, some for years. not sure bout this one?? I know it'll stay for a few days. The reality, the hurt, the pain that I see in people. and how hard they clench to it thinking that thats "just the way it is." When the bible says things like "every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord."... I see it. I don't know for certain how that will look (I'll let ya know then ok) but as I see people; most of them want what my God is, they just don't know that its HE their looking for, crying for. The don't see him as he is. There are so many counterfeits how could you blame them. I remember my counterfeits. God was fake, not like "God didn't exist" I always believed that god was real. but I thought he was as shallow and pathetic as the people that bared his name. the only time I saw them with back bone it was to condemn someone else. And if that was God... than screw him. There was a counterfeit me too...I was powerful, accomplished, FREE...hmm...."free" yeah. that was all counterfeit too. I thought so much and understood little of reality....of truth. thats what I see around me too. Not people who hate God, maybe as they understand him. and if he was as they understand, I'd hate him too. People don't resist truth as much as christians make it sound, they just don't understand it...and that....is our fault, not theirs. From listening to believers talk you think that everybody outside church membership is ready to run our cars off the road for dawning a christian bumper sticker. I guess I just don't see the animosity that others do. Maybe cause I remember what the other side of the fence is like. and I can see that very familiar look..hollowest eyes, dried tears even when they haven't been crying. I remember the weight. I remember the black. Thats what keeps me in the gospel. I haven't moved out from it in the seven years now that I've been a Christian (and I hope I never do!)
"Love brake me now, strip me down, may your beauty deep inside of me resound, through it be found; come brake me now"
The verses and the heart behind that song just exchanged with the situation as I observed this girl. I tried going and talking with her, I wanted to leave her a book. but I didn't get a chance.
Its these encounters that play in my mind, sometimes for a day, some for years. not sure bout this one?? I know it'll stay for a few days. The reality, the hurt, the pain that I see in people. and how hard they clench to it thinking that thats "just the way it is." When the bible says things like "every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord."... I see it. I don't know for certain how that will look (I'll let ya know then ok) but as I see people; most of them want what my God is, they just don't know that its HE their looking for, crying for. The don't see him as he is. There are so many counterfeits how could you blame them. I remember my counterfeits. God was fake, not like "God didn't exist" I always believed that god was real. but I thought he was as shallow and pathetic as the people that bared his name. the only time I saw them with back bone it was to condemn someone else. And if that was God... than screw him. There was a counterfeit me too...I was powerful, accomplished, FREE...hmm...."free" yeah. that was all counterfeit too. I thought so much and understood little of reality....of truth. thats what I see around me too. Not people who hate God, maybe as they understand him. and if he was as they understand, I'd hate him too. People don't resist truth as much as christians make it sound, they just don't understand it...and that....is our fault, not theirs. From listening to believers talk you think that everybody outside church membership is ready to run our cars off the road for dawning a christian bumper sticker. I guess I just don't see the animosity that others do. Maybe cause I remember what the other side of the fence is like. and I can see that very familiar look..hollowest eyes, dried tears even when they haven't been crying. I remember the weight. I remember the black. Thats what keeps me in the gospel. I haven't moved out from it in the seven years now that I've been a Christian (and I hope I never do!)
Saturday, October 17, 2009
So do you ever have those days when you wonder if you ever accomplish anything. whether anything you do ever accomplishes anything. If your even making a difference for the people around you?? cause I have those days more often than not really. So last week was my 26th birth day. And it just kinda came and went, nothing special. I had to work actually; so my day was 13 really cold hours outside in the snow (it was a slow day at work too) so my birthday seamed like no big deal. On one hand I'm kinda ok with that. In allot of ways I don't like getting older, I don't like packing up another year of life and moving into the next. I don't like feeling like the old goat among all of my friends. Some times I wish nobody knew when it was and I could just slide under peoples radars. but thats solid insecurities and I know that. But of course at the same time, its still your birth day and you still like feeling appreciated and loved by the people that mean the most to you. My friends made me cry (dorks). You see they got together and made a video with some of the most loved people in my life, sending me greetings, saying HI!!!, being redicilous, and a few being mushy (and yeah i liked that too ;) For a birthday that wasn't a milestone, and one that I could have just assumed passed by unnoticed, they gave me one of the greatest gifts I've ever received. It was more than just appreciation, it was different than just communicating love. It was very personal, it was humbling... it was great. it was neat to see that I've been a part of so many lives and meant something to them. It was a great gift. Probably the best i've ever received...and now I'm tired and going to bed cause I said what I wanted to say!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Faith has flesh...
We've been looking into faith at church. And like all things that are biblical, they're to be affective in our life They're not supposed to be words and ideas. they are supposed to actually change our lives! they're supposed to have some skin. some reality.
And so we've been looking at faith. There are so many definitions, most of them crap! The one commonly accepted is from Hebrews 11:1 it says that "faith is; being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Obviously thats a good way to describe it. the originator of the idea is the one who penned it. It does have some vagueness to it. I do like the way that Scott and Jim (the pastors) described it. "Faith is: recognizing that God is who he says he is and will do the things that he has promised to do."
so we looked at poker... basically when life happens; what is the basis of your faith, does it crumble like a house of cards. It will if its not found in Christ. Who is also named the solid rock By the way. but what I'm faced with more is what we talked about this week. Again looking at the Poker idea; Going "all in" every chip you have, all you are, everything, on the turn of one card. And it will determine the validity of your choice. For Christians looking at faith like this, the character of God is that last card. Noah was a foolish man to do what he did, get up every morning for decades and go out into a field FAR away from water and build a huge boat. The only reason he's not gone through history as a laughing stock is because of the character of God to be faithful to what he told Noah. And because of the outcome of God's faithfulness Noah is a legend who put everything he had on the character of God. That idea of having an all in kind of faith resonates with me. I started writing a book in the first few years after I became a christian (never finished it though) about reckless abandon. dropping everything when God speaks, even thought even christians scoff at this kind of proactive faith, I see it in many characters in scripture. And is something that, since seeing it in print, I have been called out on by God. Most times I do well to be a radical. someways are hard but mostly I kinda like it.
The irony is that going all in has been the question off and on for a great part of the last year with myself and particular girl.(I know it all comes back to a girl right) With roadblocks and obstacles, the frequency of which I have never seen, and obviously never expected. And the question of "all in" was always the thing we kept coming back too...no not sex....but marriage, get your mind back (har har har) So Scott was speaking yesterday in church and he was asking as a means of application, saying "what does 'all in' faith look like in your life." Yeah... that's hard to extrapolate. Thanks allot Scott!! (shmo) With unfortunate clarity, it seams that the best way (not the easiest way mind you ;) of "all in" means placing the chips into Gods hands. I can do that, I can place myself into Gods hands. Actually I kinda like doing that (...usually) Its not too bad of a move when its not something like a job, or a decision over where to live. For certain it becomes a harder maneuver when placing into Gods hands the object of your affection and not just yourself. My fait and my life seams easy to allow God to shift and shape more readily than to allow it to be more than me and my crazy life. Now it affects more, affects greater... has deeper meaning and effect. God I'm thankful that you are who you are. but at the same time I cant help but be anxious even in your hands... call it a lack of trust, or an unrest, you can if you wish. In my foggy eyes it looks more like weight and gravity. But the assurance is in your character and creativity that I've tasted in my life already, I can read of the heros and cheer the work there, but really, I don't care there as much as I should. But it has connection to me what is already mine, what you already have been. and the promise there is that you never cease being...
And so we've been looking at faith. There are so many definitions, most of them crap! The one commonly accepted is from Hebrews 11:1 it says that "faith is; being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Obviously thats a good way to describe it. the originator of the idea is the one who penned it. It does have some vagueness to it. I do like the way that Scott and Jim (the pastors) described it. "Faith is: recognizing that God is who he says he is and will do the things that he has promised to do."
so we looked at poker... basically when life happens; what is the basis of your faith, does it crumble like a house of cards. It will if its not found in Christ. Who is also named the solid rock By the way. but what I'm faced with more is what we talked about this week. Again looking at the Poker idea; Going "all in" every chip you have, all you are, everything, on the turn of one card. And it will determine the validity of your choice. For Christians looking at faith like this, the character of God is that last card. Noah was a foolish man to do what he did, get up every morning for decades and go out into a field FAR away from water and build a huge boat. The only reason he's not gone through history as a laughing stock is because of the character of God to be faithful to what he told Noah. And because of the outcome of God's faithfulness Noah is a legend who put everything he had on the character of God. That idea of having an all in kind of faith resonates with me. I started writing a book in the first few years after I became a christian (never finished it though) about reckless abandon. dropping everything when God speaks, even thought even christians scoff at this kind of proactive faith, I see it in many characters in scripture. And is something that, since seeing it in print, I have been called out on by God. Most times I do well to be a radical. someways are hard but mostly I kinda like it.
The irony is that going all in has been the question off and on for a great part of the last year with myself and particular girl.(I know it all comes back to a girl right) With roadblocks and obstacles, the frequency of which I have never seen, and obviously never expected. And the question of "all in" was always the thing we kept coming back too...no not sex....but marriage, get your mind back (har har har) So Scott was speaking yesterday in church and he was asking as a means of application, saying "what does 'all in' faith look like in your life." Yeah... that's hard to extrapolate. Thanks allot Scott!! (shmo) With unfortunate clarity, it seams that the best way (not the easiest way mind you ;) of "all in" means placing the chips into Gods hands. I can do that, I can place myself into Gods hands. Actually I kinda like doing that (...usually) Its not too bad of a move when its not something like a job, or a decision over where to live. For certain it becomes a harder maneuver when placing into Gods hands the object of your affection and not just yourself. My fait and my life seams easy to allow God to shift and shape more readily than to allow it to be more than me and my crazy life. Now it affects more, affects greater... has deeper meaning and effect. God I'm thankful that you are who you are. but at the same time I cant help but be anxious even in your hands... call it a lack of trust, or an unrest, you can if you wish. In my foggy eyes it looks more like weight and gravity. But the assurance is in your character and creativity that I've tasted in my life already, I can read of the heros and cheer the work there, but really, I don't care there as much as I should. But it has connection to me what is already mine, what you already have been. and the promise there is that you never cease being...
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