for months God its been the same, for years mostly. There has been levity in moments and huddles of time. Sometimes a week, sometimes just a breath. but mostly the same for some time know...a little over three years our honeymoon time couldn't have lasted forever, yes... did the season that followed have to be so long, so dark at times,so lonely, bitter and depressing. Struggling and striving. success surrounds me and everyone thrives. and I...I'm not stopping, your not getting rid of me that easily. I love you, I believe you, Its not an every day thing that I don't like you, but that doesn't mean that the other days I do like you either. Its been a time of learning how much that love is a choice, not just with people, yes that too, but also with you. I study, I learn, I converse and intrigue where I can have effect. and all the time knowing that I never wanted to have to love you like this. You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me and I want to live in your joy more than in your "be-attitudes." I know some that are enthralled in you, not in the naive first time riding a bike kind of way, no... they've know the reality of knowing you, and their worm in your love. Most days I wake up, and try my best to be in the world in the manner of one that knows your goodness. Wether I see your warmth or not I know your True, Just and Good. And without or without your joy that will keep me going. I know I can move and forge ahead in everything you have for me on just that. I don't doubt it; I rarely have. That's my "most days" ...

...today... you allowed different, I pray for your warmth, for your mercy and goodness more than your reality in life. today you worked. I would continue regardless of your answer to those prayers, because they aren't as important as truth. But of course I would rather have both, but that never seams to work in my life, I see it in others. but today you worked like that in mine. I could enjoy your words, didn't get profoundness out of them per-say, but I loved just being there, Today you worked for me. I rarely find myself simply overwhelmed by you for no reason, but today that prayer worked, I could barely keep my stupid car on the road through tears that had no emotion; no sadness or specific high, they just were... today being a christian actually worked, it was more than being on the side of truth, it was being with you.  ... today you worked. thank you.