The Price of Chocolate

Unrealistic expectations between guys and girls pop up as soon as the two sex's start realizing that they are different from one another. (wait?! they are?? ...revolutionary I know, just go with it for now) I'm not the first to point this out. A lot has been said of how girls are often hurt and left insecure by men in their lives treating them a certain way due to unrealistic expectations placed on them. Guys are wired dominantly physically, as the focal point in their attractions. Granted this has ben undeniably abused, however christian social overcorrection has given this a solely bad rep I think; Tinted as if every guy is shallow and superficial. I fully believe that a guys physically focused effectual bent is an incredibly good thing! Unfortunatially, were to prone to focus on the ways it has been exercised out of the context of its designers intent! But as men, our physical expectations of the woman in our lives is for to easily defined by the media and social climate. Until subtly we find ourselves with the expectation that we deserve a girl that looks like one we fancy from media or imagination. And of course in our limited forethought she will never age, "swell" or droop. Subconsciencely this starts defining how we characterize the woman in our lives since the physical is how we are wired its how we respond in the misconceptions we live in. And like I said; I'm not the first to point this out, this is commonly taught, and rightly so!
In the same way that guys place unwarranted expectations on woman physically; Woman emotionally characterize men based on similar unrealistic expectations in their own hearts. In an effort to be slightly less abrasive, I will concede the fact that its easier to see the problem of unrealistic physical expectations than unrealistic emotional expectations. Not only is the physical just naturally easier to see, but the response from the girls side is typically shaded with a spiritual clout and therefore given a pass like a lagitemite trump card ending any legitimate review. I understand and fully support people waiting for the right person and not "settling." But what I find happening is that there are many girls in the church who are waiting for God to part clouds, cue the choir, and drop a six foot four olympian built figure with great hair in front of her. The kind of guy who doesn't relinquish his well worn study bible from his hand to play with children... and of course you always see him playing with children. Something tells me that even if this were to happen, God will have to audibly say the guys name and forge the ring himself before a girl is satisfied to make a solid choice. A little over the top? perhaps...

I heard Jon Acuff ("Stuff Christians like") talk about this once. He asked a girl out but was promptly told "I'm sorry, I'm dating Jesus right now." (a typical response for anyone who has taken even a semester of bible college or christian school.) Jon responded in his talk with:

"In order for me to get you to the Outback, I need you to dump Jesus?!"... "I just want a blumin-onion, thats an intense situation to get 'Yahway up in the mix' in!"

Jon gives a great satire post on his blog called "Dating God instead of me". Here are some of Jon's translations of common lines girls give guys. It'll make for a longer post but there just too good not to include. (my favorite is #5!)
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1. “We need to talk”
What this means:
Nothing good is going to come of this. When someone says this, they are never preparing to tell you compliments or praise your Frisbee skills. They are preparing to dump you.

How to respond:
Tell her, “I agree. There’s a lot on my heart that I want to discuss with you.” If you say this, you’ll completely confuse her. I promise. Part of the reason she is dumping you is probably because you’re not good at sharing your heart. She’s expecting you to nervously say, “What do we need to talk about?” By admitting there are issues and essentially saying, “I have my own secret things I want to talk about,” you completely level the playing field.

2. “Let’s meet at Starbucks.”
What this means:
She wants to dump you in public so that there will be roughly 97% less man tears involved. You might cry, you might get upset, but no one wants to do that in front of a Starbucks barrista.

How to respond:
Keep this simple. Just say, “I would love to meet at our Starbucks.” She wants to meet on neutral territory. Don’t let that happen. Personalize it.

3. “I think we’ve grown apart.”
What this means:
She has grown. You have devolved into some sort of potato chip-eating, XBOX-playing, non stop texting orangutan.

How to respond:
Tell her, “Thank you for noticing that I have grown. I disagree that it means we’re further away from each other but I have worked hard to grow. I appreciate your words.” She feels like you have changed in a negative way but is disguising it under the term “grown apart.” Call her bluff and thank her for the compliment she didn’t give you.

4. “God told me to end this relationship.”
What this means:
If God really told her that, there’s not much you can do unless you think you can battle the Savior of the planet for a dating relationship. But if she’s just using the Christian Dating Escape Clause, you can respond.

How to respond:
Say, “Isn’t that the beautiful mystery of God? He told me the opposite thing. But then I remember that in the Bible we are told to be like children in our faith but also to put aside childish things. Who can fathom the seemingly opposite wonders of His word?” Go biblical. She just threw the God card and the last thing she is expecting is for you to agree. Plus, using the Bible is going to make you look extra holy.

5. “We want different things.”
What this means:
She wants to date other people. You want to date her. Those are different things.

How to respond:
You’re going to have to go a little Garth Brooks in this situation. Say something like, “Do we want different things? I want love. I want to laugh. I want to serve someone and hold someone and know that the greatest parts of me were meant to bring out the greatest parts of her.” But if you can’t say that without giggling, just ask her to define what she wants. Don’t let some vague blanket statement suffocate your relationship.

6. “I don’t feel the things I used to feel.”
What this means:
Her emotional high has worn off. The initial spark has faded a little. In a good relationship this is where you get to see what it is really made of. In a bad relationship, it’s time to update your eharmony profile.

How to respond:
Say what a counselor would say, “Feelings lie. There are moments when I rise in the morning and don’t ‘feel’ like worshipping God. But in my heart, I make that decision. I feel different too. But love is not a feeling. It is a commitment.”

7. “I think I need to give this relationship up to God.”
What this means:
As mentioned before, sometimes when a retreat speaker tells the crowd to lay down something at the foot of the cross, your relationship is the first thing she will think of. So she decides to sacrifice it.

How to respond:
Say, “I want to give it up too. I want to turn in the pain and the struggles and the hurt of our old relationship. I want to mourn the time we’ve lost and celebrate the time we’ll gain by allowing God to grow a new relationship. We will rise from the ashes like a phoenix or a worship eagle.” OK, you probably shouldn’t say that last sentence, but you get the point. Agreeing with someone is sometimes the best way to end an argument.

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I love what Jon does. Using satire to create thought. In many ways I wish I were more talented like that. (makes I'm glad that there are men like him.) But regardless if this is addressed with satire or more direct. It's something that exists in the church that buries a lot of its own people. I remember having dinner at one of my pastors house with a number of other college kids. The pastor said off his cuff, "the number one question I get asked when girls learn I'm the college pastor is 'Why aren't there any good guys here?'" ...To this all the guys in the room erupted. "Where have they been??" and as the impulse responses formalized to more words, the stories of Guys (this is a group of only leaders btw) asking out girls and getting brushed off/rejected using some of these exact phrases started passing around the room. 

I tried to let Jon Acuff do the majority of the blog on purpose, Aka, he has the ability to speak with a better tone than I. (Especially in this arena.) I don't believe girls are even aware of what this is in themselves that is burning guy after guy after guy that may approach them. I hope this has spurred some new thoughts. I encourage you to have some conversations about this with your friends (coed I suggest). I also encourage you to explore Jon's blog for some more that he's written on this and other topics.

Best (*cough) rapper ever

Sorry to all of you who actually watch this all the way through. Although, I must say, the longer the video plays the more I started agreeing with him!

Perlita

3 year old *Perlita’s eyes sparkled as I spotted her in the busy mall. Her tiny hands were clinging to a department store bag. As soon as the coveted hugs and kisses were given, she was allowed to open the bag, pull out and slip on the princess dress she had chosen for herself. This was the selection she and all of the other little girls under the age of 5 from the safe home had made. They had also chosen ballet outfits for their dance classes, and had found shoes, dresses and hair accessories. All their own. Just for them.

We caught up with the older girls who were giggling and running back and forth from the dressing rooms with their “shopping buddies”, exchanging sizes and perfecting their individuality through that one outfit that would be their final purchase. They had each been given a gift card to spend, and budgeting was an essential part of this day.

Lunch was at least 22 happy meals. Maybe more. Then the girls went ahead of us on a secret mission we were not to question. We arrived across the street a little while later and were ushered into an auditorium and told to sit on the first 2 rows as guests of honor.

The littlest ones had all changed into their matching ballet outfits and began to dance for us. They had been practicing their performance for weeks. They were so sweet.

Then the older girls took their places on the stage. The song started and it was nearly impossible not to let their personal stories roll through your mind.

Orphaned. Abandoned. Exploited. Abused. Suffering.

But as each girl began to share their gratitude and thanks through the one medium they all felt they could express themselves adequately through, their joy became more and more apparent. The song they had chosen was a message of believing. Of leaving the past behind and throwing themselves into the hope and the future they know belongs to them. And the result brought the kinds of tears that I hope everyone gets to experience at some point in his or her life. Tears of wonder and appreciation and hope. The kind of empathy that not only walks in the shoes of suffering, but as a result, gets to share in the joys.

This is the work you graciously support… you are empathizers.

*Perlita’s mother, a victim of forced prostitution and trafficking, abandoned her and her older sister. They live at the safe home full time, where they receive an education, quality care, love and understanding without measure. Names are changed for protection.

Written by Julie Riley
(re-post from IEmpathixe.org/blog)

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SUMMER EXPEDITION

The iE Staff and Interns relocated from Boulder to Mexico City for the summer. Joining us to collaborate with local advocates and our partners were 39 US child advocates whose ages ranged from 17-70. The diverse group included psychologists, students concentrating on research and case studies for degrees, PHD’s, lawyers focusing on anti-trafficking, various practitioners, and volunteers from all walks of life who are deeply committed to protecting and restoring vulnerable and victimized children. Our work included further strategizing with our partners, serving victims and at-risk kids, and influencing influencers in politics, including policy makers whose efforts directly impact this work.

Safe-home
Teams reorganized storage rooms, restocked the pantries and supplies, purchased the girls’ swim gear for their biweekly swim lessons, and they received gift cards to a department store so they could shop and practice budgeting. The girls also enjoyed two trips to the Aztec ruins and shared common meals at the cultural center.

Street Outreach
iE continues to maintain strong relationships with street outreaches to the vulnerable children populations in Mexico City. This summer, we began the delicate process of getting teen parents and their 5 month old baby off the streets. Other efforts included, visiting residential centers, serving and encouraging the kids and staff, cooking meals, playing soccer with the kids at both the Hovde and Alianza outreach centers. We remodeled, painted, and re-carpeted 2 bedrooms which house over 20 kids.

Your support makes these things possible and brings powerful changes to the lives of vulnerable and victimized children. IEmpathize is an organization that I believe is worth my money and time. I've seen them make a legitimate difference for real kids! If you have not taken the time to watch this short video, do it! its worth the 4 minutes of your life. It features some of the stories of the actual girls I met in Mexico City.

Mexico City: The Way Home (English 4min) from iEmpathize on Vimeo.