at days end; put down the phone, the last txt is done which was more than allowed but cant say that I mind or don't understand, but stopped it was. I sat down with all the intentions of reading, and after a paragraph realized that my desire wasn't really in it. so here I sit, and I'd rather be here...

Two chapels today, they went well, the second was an impromptu push for the gospel, and I'm totally cool with that. The music today was better. The high-schoolers are working tighter today which is cool to see, hope I was a part of that happening. It seams like easy duty, I'm playing guitar and teaching Bass to a girl, she's quiet but fun. I'm not leading per-say, coaching and supporting really; aiding the kids that were here already. I don't have all the other duty's that I had at the last camp, which I thought I'd enjoy the simpler duty. On one side I suppose its been good (I got to take a nap today if that tells you anything) i just like to feel more involved than I am, but its not bad. So the day is over,I'm the only one up in it seams all the camp, they go to bed earlier here. And the usual routine is that I lock up hours after even the staff is in bed. Usually I'm in the chapel playing music till like 2am. I'm usually really loud and the room is big and dark, i like that. last night some of the summer staff evidently came in the entry way to hear me play, I found out this morning, didn't bother me at all, and totally unrelated to that, tonight I'm in the cafeteria; someone left the coffee maker on and I'm playing the opportunist. 

Today was our messy day... started with mud games, which led to a less than planned group lake swim. I lost my necklace in the lake playing human jetski with way more riders than a real jetski would have...I didn't mind a bit. I'm liking playing with kids, i don't always, but I've had more opportunity to lately and I like it, I don't think I'd like it everyday so don't get the daddy bug all over me, I want that but a while from now. I'm good with spurts at the moment. we ate lunch in the field so we could stay messy because after lunch was a food fight. we emptied the kitchen of all its left overs and... well... stayed messy. I was there for a short while and then went to take my old man nap. har har har. 

Talking with Linda today, we were talking about ministry, getting to know her and Vic more, how they ended up together and in ministry, she was talking about "being called." I replied "yeah I still have no clue what I'm doing" (i.e. supposed to be doing) But she liked that i still try: "most people sit on their rears for 30-40 years not even trying" (totally NOT a direct quote.) and yeah I get that, I'm glad to be doing what I get to do. I just wish it wasn't so little. She said "think of how awesome its going to be when you find yourself there though." It's a nice thought, honestly I've lost the hope and sight that i'll ever see myself anywhere i'd like to be (personal life aside, just talking bout ministry and the other side of life) I just don't see the success of anything in sight. I hope to hope I'm wrong (not a typo) I don't like the onset of more years like my last, waiting, sitting, stewing. longing to do something of relevance with life. Not that I'm pointless as a person. I just want to be more than someone who feels like I'm just waiting in line with my life. It's a guy thing I think, but I don't have another opinion along beside me so thats what I get. 

I'm leaving early now, headed out late tomorrow after night chapel. taking vic to cheyenne to catch a ride to the airport for puru (or some country like that...hmm evidently time for the third cup....MMmmmm there we go) Aaaaaaaaand apparently I've run out of things to say to you, cause my head is at the biggest blank of the day... so there you have it...wednesday

Failure. Ultimatum, punishment. not enough, never enough. woke up to find that all the things you work and strive never to be now you are. Character, honor and integrity stripped, becoming everything you lash out against in others. And where is sincerity??? well thats the only thing you have to help you sleep at night and we all know how well you do that. To see that those you love are better without you than with you. happier, fuller... less tangled and waited. but where did family go?? great @*&! So what is family than? is it really the farce that in denial some how you teased? and does fake fix anything. And when did good become sin? why are the good things the things that make me hate life? wanting to start over, new.... brand new. not for freshness and incentive, but for mercy. to loose everybody, not just the one... because everybody are part of the one... and you were, but now your not. and how did that happen??? well stop playing in the railroad tracks and you wont be hit by a train! Try and try, work and sacrifice to be and have Honor, to do right by those who deserve it... and what did it do... it took your honor and fowled the stench of everything that attempted preservation. and what's the advice... "your trying to hard" and what do I do then, don't try? yes cause that sounds like a working plan that has done so many so much good. *rolles eyes. But still, all that sacrifice ever did was take, not just what you thought you were protecting and building, but it cost the builder the build.
Used, spoiled... done. not enough, not worth the efforted  is the effort anymore. fighting the lie of being lied to. Family-blood-decission... are these conditional. today it seams they are. and what to do?? nothing. becoming the farthest one from the one you were closest with and smiling like your cool with that. And the dreams will see you fade out of frequency, like the dreams of the day have. your name will still be used in address but not in dialogue anymore. And what is the comfort to this? that the memories will not find you forgotten, but only syndicated never new. Is a notion of fondness acceptable? no, not really. but that doesn't mean that thats not what it is.

and now I give you a blog, that has been sweated over and pondered over for months, grown and shaped and now is the time to unveil the genius that is this simple statement, are you ready...

"BlAh!!"