Ok God so I get that real love is not emotion driven narrow minded euphoria. I get that its not the kind of thing that "comes and goes" I get that its also not something that always will feel good. You tell that real love has, in fact, no resemblance to those things. quite different actually. you say that real love is being patient with someone, when I'm stressed and out of energy. That its being kind to a person who does things that hurt you. Mostly you say that real love is looking out for someone even and especially at my own expense, and I don't think I'm going outside your word to add that you do that regardless of how they response to you. You say that I should know love by what I've seen you do for me. The defining thing that always makes the bible true to me is that even things that I don't think work, or don't feel they should work that way... when I do them your way, they work. I see that in the example of yourself. All of those things that you've said ARE love I see in you. Your very name is synonymous in definition with love as you've it. So I see it there.
But I still don't see that act of the play put into flesh aside from in you. I see other ideas of "love" work for other people, and that doesn't make sense. I just had a conversation with a guy a few minutes ago about how he's "putting out feelers" to the girl he likes, but always leaving a way out that he can back peddle to. God that seams cruel to me. (yeah I get to give him my opinion after church... that'll be fun) but the reality is that some day that's likely to work out for him. I've seen a thousand philosophies of love that aren't anything like yours work out. I'm not saying that I EVER (!) want that to be me. I have seen your definition work the best. I'm not abandoning it by any means. But in most other areas, when people try and twist, distort, fog or flat out try things different than you, it doesn't have the epic fail that usually follow things that are not your idea. I suppose I'm curious why you allow that in this of all areas to go on. you allow the lines of "success" to get blurred here where in other places and compartments of life you draw a distinct contrast. Is that your compassion? and if it is, than where's your compassion for those that adhere to your definition? The responsibility of adhering to your best idea is great, and so are its rewards I'm sure, but when does your compassion decide on our success. or even on our levity. this is when I want to see you, to have that kind of coffee chat with you. I know that you desire my trust, and you have it. I just wish for the same intimate understanding I get from you on other things.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Well its kinda late (for most people) and I just said goodnight to some of the people I love the most. They're scattered all over the globe and I still get to tell them "G'night." I have an essay to finish by the morning, I've been working on it a while and just need to get my head out, or my head is out and I need to clear it before going back... either way, here I am and most decidedly not there.
It's been a few weeks since my last blog, not cause I didn't want to, I've actually been meaning to write for a while, but some silence is good too. And even though i thrive on transparency, its better that some things are held solo or kept between only a few. But there is something I've learned about God over the last, gosh, I don't know how long, Its been a few years of educating at this point. It has to do with how I see God now verse how I saw him when I first became a Christian. I don't know that I'd call it a nicer picture... but its probably more accurate.
When God first started showing up, it was fun, He was exciting to get to know! He was a trip man, so new...so exciting, so...I don't know...fun. And even though it was nerve racking sometimes, just with different things I went through to see different parts of him. it was exciting...It was a literal adrenaline rush. It was the same euphoria as I get flying or Rock climbing when I have to do something a little stupid to get my next grab. It felt the same, just as real. Just as high. But God didn't keep that. in fact its very upside down from what I always thought I was getting into with him. So what keeps me on his side if he's not like he was... simple. I didn't start believing because he was fun, not even, I wanted nothing to do with "his kind of fun," I was pleasantly surprised when I started enjoying him. No; I believed because I saw the things I saw in the bible, (not the things in churches or from christians mind you, I'll save that for a not as family friendly blog ;) and the things it said about Jesus, and the things it said about God... When I really looked, they were true. or at least with some of them "IF" they were true, I could believe in a God like that.
I saw a principle in "truth" that to be truth, I couldn't decide it to be true, I could only recognize it as true. it was true regardless of my recognition of it. so what kind of drastic difference does this make. To me... it makes everything different. You see I don't enjoy God most of the time any more, in fact, to be perfectly honest, some days I don't even like him. I've said the prayer more than once "I'm not going along with you because I want to... but because I told you I would" because like it or not; He was still God: and even though being with him is "uncomfortable" (*PG). and some times flat out hurts. I know that he IS a better man than I. and I can trust a better man than me. I remember a teaching recently where [scott] said, "if your wanting to get into ministry because of your compassion for people, I hate to tell you, your gonna have a short carrier." because your compassion will only get you so far; it will only last through so many long nights, hard conversations and 2 am phone calls. "Your going to run out of compassion, because your dealing with people, and people hurt. but a compulsion for God to see his glory, in all of the mess of life, thats an endurance you cant measure." That idea has been bouncing around in my head since I heard it. because it resonates with my life, you see THAT makes my life make sense. because even thought I don't LIKE God...I can still love who he is. Because I know he's right... because even though some days it seams so much easier if I could just ignore him... I know he's real. And knowing that he's real, changes things. it doesn't make life full of smiles and games. It doesn't make my nights any shorter or have me wake up rested and peaceful. but after the longest night, I can get out of my bed in the morning knowing that life still hurts, [so and so] is still gone, whatever is going good in my life has the ability to combust just as fast as the last thing did. I can get up, take a deep breath and count every minute until I go to sleep tonight only to do it all again tomorrow. I can do that, not because I can fake a smile, take a pill or think of greener grass, but because I know that the one who said that He's there...is there. and that same one said that he's faithful to me, and I believe him, even though I doubt, I trust. and even though life doesn't make sense, I know that I can KNOW what I see in him is real and thats enough some how. I find some fortitude in "truth," I don't find much energy there, but I do find strength.
It's been a few weeks since my last blog, not cause I didn't want to, I've actually been meaning to write for a while, but some silence is good too. And even though i thrive on transparency, its better that some things are held solo or kept between only a few. But there is something I've learned about God over the last, gosh, I don't know how long, Its been a few years of educating at this point. It has to do with how I see God now verse how I saw him when I first became a Christian. I don't know that I'd call it a nicer picture... but its probably more accurate.
When God first started showing up, it was fun, He was exciting to get to know! He was a trip man, so new...so exciting, so...I don't know...fun. And even though it was nerve racking sometimes, just with different things I went through to see different parts of him. it was exciting...It was a literal adrenaline rush. It was the same euphoria as I get flying or Rock climbing when I have to do something a little stupid to get my next grab. It felt the same, just as real. Just as high. But God didn't keep that. in fact its very upside down from what I always thought I was getting into with him. So what keeps me on his side if he's not like he was... simple. I didn't start believing because he was fun, not even, I wanted nothing to do with "his kind of fun," I was pleasantly surprised when I started enjoying him. No; I believed because I saw the things I saw in the bible, (not the things in churches or from christians mind you, I'll save that for a not as family friendly blog ;) and the things it said about Jesus, and the things it said about God... When I really looked, they were true. or at least with some of them "IF" they were true, I could believe in a God like that.
I saw a principle in "truth" that to be truth, I couldn't decide it to be true, I could only recognize it as true. it was true regardless of my recognition of it. so what kind of drastic difference does this make. To me... it makes everything different. You see I don't enjoy God most of the time any more, in fact, to be perfectly honest, some days I don't even like him. I've said the prayer more than once "I'm not going along with you because I want to... but because I told you I would" because like it or not; He was still God: and even though being with him is "uncomfortable" (*PG). and some times flat out hurts. I know that he IS a better man than I. and I can trust a better man than me. I remember a teaching recently where [scott] said, "if your wanting to get into ministry because of your compassion for people, I hate to tell you, your gonna have a short carrier." because your compassion will only get you so far; it will only last through so many long nights, hard conversations and 2 am phone calls. "Your going to run out of compassion, because your dealing with people, and people hurt. but a compulsion for God to see his glory, in all of the mess of life, thats an endurance you cant measure." That idea has been bouncing around in my head since I heard it. because it resonates with my life, you see THAT makes my life make sense. because even thought I don't LIKE God...I can still love who he is. Because I know he's right... because even though some days it seams so much easier if I could just ignore him... I know he's real. And knowing that he's real, changes things. it doesn't make life full of smiles and games. It doesn't make my nights any shorter or have me wake up rested and peaceful. but after the longest night, I can get out of my bed in the morning knowing that life still hurts, [so and so] is still gone, whatever is going good in my life has the ability to combust just as fast as the last thing did. I can get up, take a deep breath and count every minute until I go to sleep tonight only to do it all again tomorrow. I can do that, not because I can fake a smile, take a pill or think of greener grass, but because I know that the one who said that He's there...is there. and that same one said that he's faithful to me, and I believe him, even though I doubt, I trust. and even though life doesn't make sense, I know that I can KNOW what I see in him is real and thats enough some how. I find some fortitude in "truth," I don't find much energy there, but I do find strength.
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