Well its kinda late (for most people) and I just said goodnight to some of the people I love the most. They're scattered all over the globe and I still get to tell them "G'night." I have an essay to finish by the morning, I've been working on it a while and just need to get my head out, or my head is out and I need to clear it before going back... either way, here I am and most decidedly not there.
It's been a few weeks since my last blog, not cause I didn't want to, I've actually been meaning to write for a while, but some silence is good too. And even though i thrive on transparency, its better that some things are held solo or kept between only a few. But there is something I've learned about God over the last, gosh, I don't know how long, Its been a few years of educating at this point. It has to do with how I see God now verse how I saw him when I first became a Christian. I don't know that I'd call it a nicer picture... but its probably more accurate.
When God first started showing up, it was fun, He was exciting to get to know! He was a trip man, so new...so exciting, so...I don't know...fun. And even though it was nerve racking sometimes, just with different things I went through to see different parts of him. it was exciting...It was a literal adrenaline rush. It was the same euphoria as I get flying or Rock climbing when I have to do something a little stupid to get my next grab. It felt the same, just as real. Just as high. But God didn't keep that. in fact its very upside down from what I always thought I was getting into with him. So what keeps me on his side if he's not like he was... simple. I didn't start believing because he was fun, not even, I wanted nothing to do with "his kind of fun," I was pleasantly surprised when I started enjoying him. No; I believed because I saw the things I saw in the bible, (not the things in churches or from christians mind you, I'll save that for a not as family friendly blog ;) and the things it said about Jesus, and the things it said about God... When I really looked, they were true. or at least with some of them "IF" they were true, I could believe in a God like that.
I saw a principle in "truth" that to be truth, I couldn't decide it to be true, I could only recognize it as true. it was true regardless of my recognition of it. so what kind of drastic difference does this make. To me... it makes everything different. You see I don't enjoy God most of the time any more, in fact, to be perfectly honest, some days I don't even like him. I've said the prayer more than once "I'm not going along with you because I want to... but because I told you I would" because like it or not; He was still God: and even though being with him is "uncomfortable" (*PG). and some times flat out hurts. I know that he IS a better man than I. and I can trust a better man than me. I remember a teaching recently where [scott] said, "if your wanting to get into ministry because of your compassion for people, I hate to tell you, your gonna have a short carrier." because your compassion will only get you so far; it will only last through so many long nights, hard conversations and 2 am phone calls. "Your going to run out of compassion, because your dealing with people, and people hurt. but a compulsion for God to see his glory, in all of the mess of life, thats an endurance you cant measure." That idea has been bouncing around in my head since I heard it. because it resonates with my life, you see THAT makes my life make sense. because even thought I don't LIKE God...I can still love who he is. Because I know he's right... because even though some days it seams so much easier if I could just ignore him... I know he's real. And knowing that he's real, changes things. it doesn't make life full of smiles and games. It doesn't make my nights any shorter or have me wake up rested and peaceful. but after the longest night, I can get out of my bed in the morning knowing that life still hurts, [so and so] is still gone, whatever is going good in my life has the ability to combust just as fast as the last thing did. I can get up, take a deep breath and count every minute until I go to sleep tonight only to do it all again tomorrow. I can do that, not because I can fake a smile, take a pill or think of greener grass, but because I know that the one who said that He's there...is there. and that same one said that he's faithful to me, and I believe him, even though I doubt, I trust. and even though life doesn't make sense, I know that I can KNOW what I see in him is real and thats enough some how. I find some fortitude in "truth," I don't find much energy there, but I do find strength.