em⋅pa⋅thy

em⋅pa⋅thy (em-puh-thee)

–noun

"the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another."

1.2 million children interring sex trade every year...this means that every minute two children are trafficked for sexual exploitation; every minute... estimations of up to 300,000 children are in prostitution in the U.S. alone, of those, anywhere between 100,00-150,000 are slaves.

Shocking...I know! angry...I KnOw*&!^!...mad enough to kill... yeah...I know. I was listening last night as someone was sharing their stories; and it hurt! it sucked! It was a kind of uncomfortable that you cant describe. That you cant shake. I don't mind a good fight but I mind this one. I don't even like the thought of fighting it. Having to fight it... needing to fight it! The guy sharing said that he wanted to run and not even have to think bout it...I know how he feels, but then he said: "but what about that kid, they don't get to look away, they don't get to take a breather, they don't get to say that they've had enough, to cry "no more!"... cause he's a slave. a prisoner, in body, yes.... but the bondage is so much deeper than that now. You think you can't sleep at night, what memory of his day is keeping him awake tonight... What?..."don't go there" you say. It's hard to ignore isn't it? its hard to get out of your head isn't it? its hard not to throw up... isn't it? how does Empathy register with you now..."vicarious experience" anyone? Normally I'd apologies for making people think about these things. I hate this so much that I work hard so that the people I love NEVER have these memories in their head... even if they are only empathy, or a dream... but this time, i don't feel as its my place to apologize. I don't feel right brushing this off. cause thats what an apology would be. I don't even know where to begin to even sort through this...LORD where are you? you're with them right?...you're holding them; and crying with them, right? But hang on God, you died for even their pimps? offer their "clients" grace...I still don't get you sometimes. I wish I had your capacity to forgive, to redeem, I know that sin is sin. I know: I really know; that I'm no better than them without You...but I still can't wrap my head around it. I've tasted your grace, I know where my salvation comes from, I have no delusions as to who I am without you... but this still seams impossible for me. I'm just being honest. I wish I could be spiritual enough to say that this issue was the same as other sins to me (and don't sit there and applaud my sincerity...I"M in the the wrong!) I don't even know where to put this in my head. I know that where it lies isn't right, because it lies somewhere between pain and rage. But this does deepen my understanding of you... you will wipe away every tear. And what that verse means here leaves me void right now. That kind of comfort is heavy. Its as far out of my understanding as your offer of grace to the undeserved. I suppose they work together, because you are completely both.

"Home"

"home;" one word, only making one syllable, and using only four letters...yet its something that people obsess an entire lifetime to posses. Something people will end their life in an attempt to protect. Some people think they find it by Buying it. Some people think its attained my makeing it. One person travels far away from everyone so they can have one, while another person stays their entire life in the same fifty square miles cause of it. Some people have a good one, some people hope for a better one. As for me...where do I fall in all these contrasts about "home"...well thats an easy answer...no where, I don't get any of um honestly. Home is something that I have only seen glimpses of, in a few moments of my life, typically, moments that last mere seconds, maybe a minute or two. But its never something that I'v known. "home" seams elusive to me. I don't get it, I don't understand it. I don't know what it looks like or feels like. Many of my friends have heard me say that I have never once been homesick...and I haven't. I suppose I would like to be some day...I think ;:-) But I have to have "home" first. Every day of my life I feel like a guest. And I don't mean that in like a super-spiritual, "I am a holy sojourner" kinda way...(buff black man voice) "I am a citizen of heaven"...that's not what I'm referring too. And maybe that will be the only "Home" that I ever know, I don't know *shrug*. In allot of ways I love not having it...I'm not tied to it and it is freeing to go anywhere and do so many things...but I also know that "home" is not a place. So having one doesn't mean that I give that up. For some people it is a place I suppose, but I know its not for me. All I know is that I don't have it...I long for it. I want it...but it eludes me. its like a sick game that I dont even like to play yet I still laugh at its irony and chuckle in its loneliness. Someone deer to me once wrote me a note about it I think seeing all of this about me. praying that I find it someday...and letting me know that IT IS something that when i find it, CAN always wander with me...you may be reading this getting more confused as you read...well welcome to the wanderings of my mind, it makes sense to me. Or maybe if you've read this far you think I'm a yuppy...well the silver lining in both of those is this....it's MY note, that why it didn't mention you...ergo I don't have to care what you think about my gray thrown (and no you weren't actually supposed to understand that part either...extra points if ya did ;) so there :P

The masochism of Christianity; surrender to the over-analyzer...

“…Anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.” I don’t think it’s that Christ has a morbid sense of hummer (like me). But that he of all people fully understood what is required of a steward. We do not have a high priest who cannot sympathies with our weakness. Wherever we are…he’s been there. We can see when he prayed in the garden he was not comfortable; his spirit was not at peace. In fact he stated that he was “overwhelmed…even to the point of death,” and immediately followed with something…un-natural. “Everything is possible for you…not what I will but what you will !” He purposed himself to what he knew was right.
I memorized a quote a few years ago when I first saw Jesus as a savior and not as some detached Sunday school lesson. It’s by Elisabeth Elliot; she states that “the surrender of our hearts deepest desire is as close as one can come to understanding Jesus’ death on the cross.” Every so often my savior asks me to remember that quote with an “uncomfortable freshness.” (-as the “PG” version states) And every time he does I beg him not to bring it up again…but than I catch myself, and look back up at him and say “…but if you chose to, I hope that you’ll find me faithful.”
To me the definition of “Courage” is quite similar to surrender. Courage is: doing what you know is right, in spite of your fear. You see you must posses fear to even have the opportunity to be courageous. And to exercise that courage you must act above fear. The same is true for a disciple. You must act above the natural. Seeing what is right and doing it, even if it adds to your trouble or pain. Ryan Dobson states that:
[There’s a lot of dying for you and me to do. The kind that doesn’t stop your breathing or your heart…but it’s still dying. Funny how the bible insists on calling it that. It doesn’t say “adjust.” It doesn’t say “tweak you behavior.” It doesn’t say “modify your identity.” It doesn’t say “evolve your personhood.” It says DIE. And keep dying.]
This is a pretty heavy topic for me, I don’t like death…it hurts! Especially when the thing I must act above is emotions…I’m a very emotional person! (Insert woman joke here) But I always have quotes pop into my head telling me to “keep paying the price. Let God see that you’re willing to live up to the vision.” (-Oswald Chambers) And unfortunately “the Law of sacrifice means that one sacrifice seldom brings success” (-John C Maxwell) So many trustworthy people have a lot to say about real surrender, I wish I could organize it all into one deep thought.
The topic of surrender brings me to a deep spiritual and emotional crossroads which is usually when I fall faint and beg for mercy. And often God recites to me Jeremiah 29:11 “for I know the plans I have for says the LoRD, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” The bible shows us on every page that there is a controller. A very intentional one…and to me remembering that is usually when I receive the courage to direct momentum in the right direction.
Is your head spinning yet? Believe it or not this is the way my mind organizes things…scary Ah.