Memoirs of a big brother

So I'm at church last night, I'm exhausted cause i worked all day. I have friends showing up and I'm totally scatter brained anyways. And as I'm walking around saying the usual hello's and introducing my friends that came, a friend (who is a girl) makes light of an overbearing guy situation, not necessarily hers. said "dude" is schmoing on her to get to her friend. I made the usual offer of castration and torture. A few minutes later he walks behind her and pats her arm with the back of his hand. she winces and then explains "thats him." A few minutes later I saw him walking by again and I was poised and ready, I saw her brace for the nudge and I was ready to balls him. but allas he simply walked by this time. this isn't too out of the ordinary really.
Later durring the service I get a txt from another girl who was on a long drive home that day "I'm about home, thought you'd like to know" and not a minute later someone hands me a note, it was the girl from the lobby earlier "thanks for making me feel protected and safe"  ... this starts the holding back of tears for the whole rest of the sermon. Where are the men?? Why are they thanking me? why do I now have to be careful with some of these girls so that I don't invite the openness of affection from them. I don't want the wrong ideas, I'm a protecter. Ladies: your SO valuable. I want you to know it, and I want the guys your around to know it more!!!! But I'm constantly met with surprise when i stand in the gap for someone. Why?? THIS SHOULD BE NORMAL!!!! the scales are tipped the wrong way. this is my rant, and now I'm being kicked out of the coffee shop...rant to continue later

at days end; put down the phone, the last txt is done which was more than allowed but cant say that I mind or don't understand, but stopped it was. I sat down with all the intentions of reading, and after a paragraph realized that my desire wasn't really in it. so here I sit, and I'd rather be here...

Two chapels today, they went well, the second was an impromptu push for the gospel, and I'm totally cool with that. The music today was better. The high-schoolers are working tighter today which is cool to see, hope I was a part of that happening. It seams like easy duty, I'm playing guitar and teaching Bass to a girl, she's quiet but fun. I'm not leading per-say, coaching and supporting really; aiding the kids that were here already. I don't have all the other duty's that I had at the last camp, which I thought I'd enjoy the simpler duty. On one side I suppose its been good (I got to take a nap today if that tells you anything) i just like to feel more involved than I am, but its not bad. So the day is over,I'm the only one up in it seams all the camp, they go to bed earlier here. And the usual routine is that I lock up hours after even the staff is in bed. Usually I'm in the chapel playing music till like 2am. I'm usually really loud and the room is big and dark, i like that. last night some of the summer staff evidently came in the entry way to hear me play, I found out this morning, didn't bother me at all, and totally unrelated to that, tonight I'm in the cafeteria; someone left the coffee maker on and I'm playing the opportunist. 

Today was our messy day... started with mud games, which led to a less than planned group lake swim. I lost my necklace in the lake playing human jetski with way more riders than a real jetski would have...I didn't mind a bit. I'm liking playing with kids, i don't always, but I've had more opportunity to lately and I like it, I don't think I'd like it everyday so don't get the daddy bug all over me, I want that but a while from now. I'm good with spurts at the moment. we ate lunch in the field so we could stay messy because after lunch was a food fight. we emptied the kitchen of all its left overs and... well... stayed messy. I was there for a short while and then went to take my old man nap. har har har. 

Talking with Linda today, we were talking about ministry, getting to know her and Vic more, how they ended up together and in ministry, she was talking about "being called." I replied "yeah I still have no clue what I'm doing" (i.e. supposed to be doing) But she liked that i still try: "most people sit on their rears for 30-40 years not even trying" (totally NOT a direct quote.) and yeah I get that, I'm glad to be doing what I get to do. I just wish it wasn't so little. She said "think of how awesome its going to be when you find yourself there though." It's a nice thought, honestly I've lost the hope and sight that i'll ever see myself anywhere i'd like to be (personal life aside, just talking bout ministry and the other side of life) I just don't see the success of anything in sight. I hope to hope I'm wrong (not a typo) I don't like the onset of more years like my last, waiting, sitting, stewing. longing to do something of relevance with life. Not that I'm pointless as a person. I just want to be more than someone who feels like I'm just waiting in line with my life. It's a guy thing I think, but I don't have another opinion along beside me so thats what I get. 

I'm leaving early now, headed out late tomorrow after night chapel. taking vic to cheyenne to catch a ride to the airport for puru (or some country like that...hmm evidently time for the third cup....MMmmmm there we go) Aaaaaaaaand apparently I've run out of things to say to you, cause my head is at the biggest blank of the day... so there you have it...wednesday

Failure. Ultimatum, punishment. not enough, never enough. woke up to find that all the things you work and strive never to be now you are. Character, honor and integrity stripped, becoming everything you lash out against in others. And where is sincerity??? well thats the only thing you have to help you sleep at night and we all know how well you do that. To see that those you love are better without you than with you. happier, fuller... less tangled and waited. but where did family go?? great @*&! So what is family than? is it really the farce that in denial some how you teased? and does fake fix anything. And when did good become sin? why are the good things the things that make me hate life? wanting to start over, new.... brand new. not for freshness and incentive, but for mercy. to loose everybody, not just the one... because everybody are part of the one... and you were, but now your not. and how did that happen??? well stop playing in the railroad tracks and you wont be hit by a train! Try and try, work and sacrifice to be and have Honor, to do right by those who deserve it... and what did it do... it took your honor and fowled the stench of everything that attempted preservation. and what's the advice... "your trying to hard" and what do I do then, don't try? yes cause that sounds like a working plan that has done so many so much good. *rolles eyes. But still, all that sacrifice ever did was take, not just what you thought you were protecting and building, but it cost the builder the build.
Used, spoiled... done. not enough, not worth the efforted  is the effort anymore. fighting the lie of being lied to. Family-blood-decission... are these conditional. today it seams they are. and what to do?? nothing. becoming the farthest one from the one you were closest with and smiling like your cool with that. And the dreams will see you fade out of frequency, like the dreams of the day have. your name will still be used in address but not in dialogue anymore. And what is the comfort to this? that the memories will not find you forgotten, but only syndicated never new. Is a notion of fondness acceptable? no, not really. but that doesn't mean that thats not what it is.

and now I give you a blog, that has been sweated over and pondered over for months, grown and shaped and now is the time to unveil the genius that is this simple statement, are you ready...

"BlAh!!"

I was pondering this morning...a dangerous thing is a mind with the ability to flow, especially when it has the time to follow that current. I was thinking specifically about worship. why do we worship? what is it really? what does it do? is it for the worshiped or the worshiper?... these thoughts aren't abnormal for me. worship is something thats on my mind allot really so this is all familiar ground to me. I ask those questions often and seek the answers regularly like they were the first time I'd asked them. but this time I thought of a broader angle. Typically I think more first person (I'm selfish I know just go with it) Why do I worship God, is the way I worship God right and good and the way it should be, this type of thing. but this was a different thought, it was an outward comparison that made me see how much my God is worth all of my worship. so here's the thought.

My mind survey religions: mainstream, tribal, pagan or "Christian." (anything contained in the spectrum of an "act of worship") I thought as I considered the religions that I was familiar with, from tribal forms to service forms (Islam, Catholicism, Jehovah's Whiteness' etc.) I thought of how most peoples worship is a form of favor or fear, where as biblical christianity has its worship centered around interaction and connection with its deity. Many forms of religion define their worship as something they have to suffer and give u; the clech'e sacrificing of children, or livestock; giving money, ritual/obedience suicides. The things they believe have them focused on this type of worship to define their devotion or favor. A young man, to be devoted to his god, kills another; or a  business man giving a fat check to his church with the same mindset. I hear allot of christians that say things like "worship is a lifestyle" and we sing songs that say "let my lifesong sing to you" and this is all called worship. the decisions I make and the manner that I conduct myself throughout my day to day is now called worship. For the individual I'll give the license to define if it is or not, but as I thought about it today i saw that as Honoring truth, and while I suppose that is a form of worship in itself it was isolated by what I was thinking of worship. I've defined worship for years as "ascribing God his due worth" and that has some form in my day to day yes. that honor and devotion has an aspect of sure worship. but for a minute pack that aside and go with me on something... when I walk into a church and sing a song or when I pray. I can fail at my day to day honor towards God and yet sing and pray with a sincerity of who God is. is that worship?? ...I would say yes, can I appreciate and admire the character of God and still make lingering bad decisions? I sure hope so because I've done it for years. this whole train of thought was considering the gift that it is to be able to do that. that as a christian i can fail and suck at life decisions, live in dishonor and selfishness. and still respect and joy in the character of my God. they aren't connected as much as I usually make them to be in my mind. Which does leave room for people to try and enjoy God's character and presence, then dishonor him all week long, and this does happen (not just in "their" life...in yours and mine  too) But I was thinking about seeing how different our worship is from everybody else's. others have to "worship" hard... while we get to enjoy our God. Makes me see God differently. makes me see worship differently, where its not again a means of gaining anything from God...its just hanging out with him. Being excited about him, Thankful for him.
So there you have it, allot of rambling and disjointed thoughts but they make sense to me, you can deal with it.

for months God its been the same, for years mostly. There has been levity in moments and huddles of time. Sometimes a week, sometimes just a breath. but mostly the same for some time know...a little over three years our honeymoon time couldn't have lasted forever, yes... did the season that followed have to be so long, so dark at times,so lonely, bitter and depressing. Struggling and striving. success surrounds me and everyone thrives. and I...I'm not stopping, your not getting rid of me that easily. I love you, I believe you, Its not an every day thing that I don't like you, but that doesn't mean that the other days I do like you either. Its been a time of learning how much that love is a choice, not just with people, yes that too, but also with you. I study, I learn, I converse and intrigue where I can have effect. and all the time knowing that I never wanted to have to love you like this. You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me and I want to live in your joy more than in your "be-attitudes." I know some that are enthralled in you, not in the naive first time riding a bike kind of way, no... they've know the reality of knowing you, and their worm in your love. Most days I wake up, and try my best to be in the world in the manner of one that knows your goodness. Wether I see your warmth or not I know your True, Just and Good. And without or without your joy that will keep me going. I know I can move and forge ahead in everything you have for me on just that. I don't doubt it; I rarely have. That's my "most days" ...

...today... you allowed different, I pray for your warmth, for your mercy and goodness more than your reality in life. today you worked. I would continue regardless of your answer to those prayers, because they aren't as important as truth. But of course I would rather have both, but that never seams to work in my life, I see it in others. but today you worked like that in mine. I could enjoy your words, didn't get profoundness out of them per-say, but I loved just being there, Today you worked for me. I rarely find myself simply overwhelmed by you for no reason, but today that prayer worked, I could barely keep my stupid car on the road through tears that had no emotion; no sadness or specific high, they just were... today being a christian actually worked, it was more than being on the side of truth, it was being with you.  ... today you worked. thank you.

The loyal are better off than the loved.

I have wrestled with a phenomenon that keeps making an appearance in my life. I've been blessed by having wonderful people around me. people that are very real with who they are. I appreciate them more than they will ever know. They're closer to me than blood and I would die for many of them, they tell me that they love me, and more than a handful have gone out of their way to show me that they love me too. 
And every once and a while, I find a particular girl thats already in my life that I want to keep around for good if I can swing it.) So far I have a perfect track record. (just in case you need a subtle hint I'm single) And its usually as someone  is walking away, slipping away, or flat out jogging away that I hear the words of reassurance "I do love you."
and i don't want you to read those words cynically. The few girls I've had the Honor (!) of pursuing after were wonderful, and meant so so much to me even now. We were careful with each other and left the relationship with no or little regret (now I didn't say it wasn't hurtful some times, or difficult for sure, for those of you that know my story you know) And their words that affirmed their love for me weren't hollow, I know from the girls that said those words to me did mean them. And yet, when my ears heard them I found myself dropping my hands and furrowing my forehead. My reaction didn't mean that I found them less than sincere, I found all of them to be quite sincere. Yet the reassurance wasn't' ever what I thought it would be. the phrase meant allot yes, but their love didn't matter. Because it's never been enough for one of them to stay. And these are girls I know understand what love is and isn't in reality. I'd find myself thinking "ok, so you love me... why doesn't that change things then.?" Even i believed their love to be genuine; without question actually. and yet I knew that love didn't mean as much all a sudden. because they were taking their love, packing it up and choosing to walk away. They didn't "fall out of love" in fact all of them did the apposite, they took their love with them when they left. 


I've always esteemed love as the greatest state or decision to find yourself in. I assumed that with all that the bible says about love, made it the greatest. And honestly that made good sense to me. So why did it feel like the reassurance wasn't adequate. if love is the greatest, than why did it suddenly make itself of no consequence. There's something missing from love. love by itself is wonderful, but nearly useless. Like a door lock a 24 hr, store, yeah I'm glad its there but what good is it doing. I've learned recently what the missing part of love is: Its loyalty, without loyalty Love means very little all of a sudden. And love means allot I don't want to down play it. But without loyalty I don't know that love has had any effect on my life, I've still lost everybody so far thats loved me. They made a decision to love me, but no one I've ever met has made the decision to be loyal too. Love is wonderful, but I now think differently about its importance. Love is a decision thats vital to make for the people that are important to you, but the ones that stay have to make the next decision, to choose also to be loyal too. 






Loyalty:  "faithfulness or devotion to a person conceived as deserving of fidelity." 
Psalm 20: 28 "loyal love and truth preserve a king, and his thrown is upheld by loyal love"