well, Got through my work day... now chillin in a coffee shop, probably my favorite thing to do. Had a wonderful weekend. Stephi's 16th... (going on 30) she's always a blessing to me. I like her... yeah I suppose I'll keep her around. I didn't even brake the rule as many times as I was supposed to :P so there! It was nice that way, I was relaxed and just there. I like that, I like being that. So mostly the time was good. Glad for the time and the memories that it is/was... the interesting thing is. the things you want not to remember, moments of poor character, Times I should have shown a higher character as a leader. And no one demands perfection as condition of friendship, well at least none of my friends do luckily. But I want to have the integrity they deserve, if I honestly consider myself a leader than i must never settle or shrug off the responsibility I have to be that. but any way, I would love to write more, and I may later, but I need to get some reading finished, and its already almost midnight so... later will be later

I'm disappointed in Christians... this is nothing new. If you look out at Christendom you see allot of movement, allot of busyness, but what's the point? With all of this activity we lack unity, community, and are massively lacking on impacting the world we live in. We've locked ourselves in the church. I see allot of pretty looking churches out there that say allot of good things... but thats where everything ends, it never seams to go past that. Thats as far as Christians seam to be willing to go. The Churches that seam to have the ability to do anything are usually shallow in their doctrine, and the churches that are deep in their doctrine are shallow as people. The few places that I've seen even try and do both usually spend half of their time just trying to keep their wheels off the ground. I don't get this. it doesn't make sense to me. I know that we are foreign to the world we exist in, but don't we supersede it? A lot of my friends are doing internships, trying to learn from Godly leaders so that my generation can grab the baton and continue the race. Yet of all the friends that are out their trying to do this with their lives, not a one of them that I have talked to is learning or growing where they are; in fact everyone of them is disappointed and just ready to be done with it. Its all been a pointless endeavor just to say that it happened. I'm not so upset now that I'm not doing one... course that doesn't' mean that I don't want exactly what they were attempting to accomplish though. In fact I very much want that, I want to spend time maturing under a Godly mentor that will grow me as a leader, and help me grow to have a greater affect for the Gospel. But its just not there... If you know where to find it I'd like to know, cause I 'v been looking for a while now. I'm to the point that I'm in essence throwing up my hands and saying "fine... I'll just do it myself" I may trip over my own clumsy feet, but I'll probably get farther than I would with [your] help. I realize that this is a total vent session, but that doesn't mean that the issue doesn't exist. All I need is momentum, get a ball rolling, and let the tripping begin...bring it! I'll do what I can with what I have if you wont help!!!!!

Inept, off, incapable, insufficient, defective.... unable to be... unable to change (?...) is change right? when every option offers hurt what can be right. chains that pile on scream to be thrown to the floor. but what will die in the process... some death is good. so are chains bad?!... But some death is just death...I have screaming in my ear....Ahhhh, soothing. Am I miss wired that that soothes me?! I would love fairy tale, but fairy tale doesn't love me... its not what my life looks like, its not real. Life us messy, scraggly, ugly... there is beauty; but i don't live there. I only get to visit. mmmm ...i like visiting! how come after a struggle you feel an empowerment of your perspective on the other side, but when another comes you feel small, insignificant, wrong even... and all you can think is, "Orgh...I don't have strength to do [this] again" I don't like hurting those I love ...easy button God? you created those too right....yeah....no....grrrrr. Blah, my computer is dusty, my room is messy my car is cluttered and there you have it, here I leave it...

A God over impossibilities

Often a reference to someone having a broken heart, means that that person has gone through something traumatically heart wrenching. It’s a reference to hurt and emotion associated with a loss or a hurtful instance. I’ve been pondering “broken heartedness” lately but not in this context. Yeah…been there too, but that’s not the way I’ve been churning it over in my head this week. I’ve been looking at “broken hearted” to be deeper than that surface abrasion.  The heart is defective. It’s broken because it’s incapable to doing what it does. It has the ability to try, but because it’s defective it can’t be affective in its role. This can’t be a reflection of its maker, because he can’t make mistakes, but is a sign of the condition of the people it’s that the creators’ perfect heart was entrusted to.  I find myself again standing knee deep in the imposable. When I take a look at all the directions I could walk or the things that this situation could become, I don’t like ANY what it becomes. It is literally an imposable thing. I don’t like moving forward, I don’t like walking away, and I don’t like sitting where I am. None of the angles work, no decision will fix anything of what this is. And so it’s impossible. Now there is hope, at least not in the way you or I think of hope. It’s not the way I ever think of hope being. The hope that is there is in the character of the one who created of the broken and defective: The intentional creative God of the universe. I always lean on him wanting him to snap his fingers and making everything ok. With the whoosh of his magic-lil-wand life becomes a fairytale to the ones that he loves. And he does love um!...but that’s not what I’ve learned he’s like. He’s better than that; He’s more powerful than that. He is a God who specializes in the imposable. To just snap his fingers would actually be limiting himself. You see the situation itself IS imposable, believe me, I’ve spent the time looking at every angle; and the lines don’t move.  The thing remains as it is, and I’m never satisfied with whatever end I see…where God is in the impossible, is not the seat of the genie-of-the-lamp, nope!...he’s far above that. The imposable situation shows his glory because he transcends impossibility…so in whatever direction I beat my face on the impossibility wall…he is the one who cries with me, and comforts me. He doesn’t make the impossible go away; he enables us to live IN impossibilities…that is a God! One who makes us able to do more than exist under the weight of an imposable life…but helps us to live impossibly. 

bare trap

have you ever been walking down a trail, happy go lucky, listening to birds tweeting and chirping away, whistling random tunes and the works. When suddenly your foot is snapped into a bare trap. You say a profanity or two, but look around feeling guilty, but its ok, no one is around to hear them. After a brief moment noticing that that means you are fully alone. And so you spend so much time sitting there starring at your predicament, that the puncture wounds on your leg fr start itch. You start pulling against the trap, but not in a effort to get free, but because the pain of enlarging the wounds seams somehow to sooth the medial itch??...Oh...you haven't....me either then

The other Brush

Frustration... the new game... the tremor that shakes my house of cards. Rumblings from a few fronts. "frustration"...A singe stupid word; an epidemic, Ironically...it's frustrating suddenly realizing that it holds the place of defining me? This is the brush that is busy drawing my picture? and now what does the picture look like?... How often will brushes change before a picture is complete? How many themes will one life hold before it ends? lately I find that its this brush that is splashing my colours. and "frustration" is the word that I find myself reaching to when asked how I'm doing.

frus·tra·tion (sharing the latin root for deception)

- a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity anddissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs 

- The condition that results when an impulse or an action is thwarted by an external or an internal force.

- a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.

This is my picture...I don't like it; I would have to be a fool to enjoy it. And this is a far cry from the brush that created so much of the picture before it. That brush, "fortitude" (mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously) I would like to finish the painting that was started with that brush. I know I changed artists. But I suppose that at the time I didn't realize that the picture would be so affected. It seems childish sometimes looking at things..."well God, so why did this happen?" and "where was your will in this?" or my personal favorite "but I was so sure this was you God?" I use that one with such a unique freshness that you'd think I was the first to bring the argument to Gods ear. And so I'm called out...how is my house of cards? Does it stand a little tremor, would it stand the world crashing its foundation? What is its foundation? Because there is only one foundation that will survive a world crashing into it, and that’s the one who overcame the world, Christ. So is he mine? Is the new brush and the altered picture of me a sign of a bad foundation. To you this is going to seam anti-climactic after all these words, but to me, for my picture its powerful simplicity. If my picture is drawn and finished with this new brush, if the new artist never changes it out for another, and continues to draw the way he has been. If I'm to be another doormat to another's peace, If I'm going to be another stepping stone, again a doorman, who's forgotten five feet in the door. Will I still love the artist if he draws a different picture than I think he should draw, then turn around and praise his art to everybody who sees it...(insert dramatic pause)...yes