יָתוֹם

Christians often use the phrase "the Lord gave me a verse" in reality he gave us an entire book FULL of them, and he gave them years ago by the way. What the colloquialism means, however, is this: "as I read the bible, a particular part spoke directly into my life in the here and now in a specific and unique way." aka..."THIS is the exact thing I needed!" A verse that spoke into my life in just such a unique way came up in a message today, its the first time I've actually ever heard this verse mentioned in anybody's speech. The verse is Psalms 68:6 "the Lord sets the lonely in families" Its a good verse. and unfortunately its exactly what connected the speakers topic to MY life.

    For a LARGE portion of my life, I have had a grand extended family, that has no actual genetic connection to my self, yet they are as much if not easily more a part of my life than blood has been. There are quit a few people that when i talk about them to someone I have to add the phrase "they half raised me." Because its true, in allot of ways they truly did. I am forever grateful to all of them, they have invested into who I am, some at real expense. They are a group of individuals that I have a great deal of admiration and respect for, and it honors me that they poured into me what they did. I have MANY siblings, one grandfather, many fathers and even more mothers(!) And that is the pleasant, all so clear part of my life. The next part comes in the form of fog to me, I honestly don't remember. I cant recall allot from before I made a choice,. becoming a christian when I was 18. My memories from before then are shadows of my others. Like a glimpse of a movie that I saw years ago, and suddenly recall for some odd reason.

So thats the setting... here is the part that I'm gonna have a hard time writing... The sermon wasn't about ME as a father someday, what the bible has to say about what kind of father I'm to be. It was more about the riff that exists in allot of our lives due to our parents. If you know me you know that I am not an advocate of blaming your parents for your problems. I just think its a superficial childish way to avoid your own responsibility in life. I don't remember my parents very much, not cause I've tried to forget them or anything, I just don't really remember them much. 

In my life now, as an adult, I love my parents, but I'm not around. We don't interact really. we keep up every now and then. and to be fair, my life looks like that with many people that i care for deeply. In allot of ways thats just how it is. And so I want to reiterate something before saying what I'm going to say. I love my parents. they were good parents. they love each other and they love God. with that said... the title for this post is: יָתוֹם it's a hebrew word which means "Orphan" I must say, I did NOT expect this from this series at church. but the question was "what is the riff that this issue has left in your life." And in all reality, "orphan" is kinda how life seams to me. there are allot of things that I respect about my parents. but at the same time, I'm looking at others as a modal of the type of parent I want to be, and the kind of household I want to lead someday. I want different than I had. This isn't a statement against my parents really, it's just the  truth. I want to be a different father than the one I had. and I love my dad. I want a mother that will be to our children different than I saw in mine. And we won't be perfect. I know my parents did      the best they thought to do. they made mistakes. And some day, my wife and I will make our fare share of mistakes as well. (and a few extra i'm sure just for good measure) there is allot about    this that I honestly am very insure of. Scott (the speaker) mentioned a book that I want to read, in which the author was dealing with some of the things from his past with his father. I want to read  it. I think its going to take some effort, some prayer, to even start making sense of what I even     think of my past. I rejected allot of what my parents stood for. Belief mostly, I wasn't a christian,   and didn't want to be one. So in allot of ways, me being raised to be "independent" was a           consequence of my own rebellion. But if I'm going down this road, than I'm going to have to be   able to say something that I would rather leave be. forgiven and forgotten. That my parents were absent. That Christ is my father, and grace my mother. I don't understand if this is a natural result of being an adult child. As I look around, I observe different in allot of other peoples lives. 

And I hope for different with my own kids. the harsh truth is, would I change it if I could?... no.... 

I would leave it the way it is. And thats honestly what I'm scared of bringing out. that I'm actually ok with what it is. I like my life, and even if I didn't, that wouldn't change what my life is. But from where it is, I don't look back, I face forwards. And my energy is there. I don't know if thats really right or wrong but it's honest. I cant even honestly describe what I'm really talking about. Its elusive to me too. Hence why prayer and meditation is necessary even for myself on this topic. and with that I leave my thoughts. with one more thing to say, Mom or dad, I don't think you read this, but if you are. I DO love you, and I'm in no way upset about my childhood, you made choices that thought best.

You weren't perfect, I know you have regrets. know that they are forgiven, honestly and truly, and I look forward not back. 

however its looking forward that may keep distance secure for the orphan hearted.