Intensity! Breathlessness, loss without death, yet it seams just like that. Like a friend that passes away, you are left with such a hole, an overwhelming sense that "this isn't what was supposed to happen". its so hard to wrap yourself around. you have a sense of peace, that things are ok. Pain grips you like an iron clad hand that reaches inside you and clutches a handful of your chest. You cry out without a word, yet you can hear it echo cant you?! There was a particular day this year that I remember the same feeling, in the scheme of life it was supposed to be a monumental day, a celebration of accomplishment. It was one of the hollowest days of my life. I had pain that wasn't kosher to express. Slap on a smile shake a few hands. yet to me that day was marked/seared into my timeline by overwhelming pain. Felt allot like death to me...I'm shaken awake by that feeling again. not for myself, for friends. Don't actually know all the details of what is happening. but I cant shake it. I have the same expanse of pain and peace inside my chest. All I want to do is rush in and embrace them, and not let go until the tears dry, tell them I love them. they will nod their head and say "I know" but they don't fully comprehend that I really do, regardless of what they've done. I want the understanding to be there but let it go because there is no point of actual comprehension. My prayers are deep, and silent. formless.
...life looks different in certain moments.
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