Death and drive

"There’s a lot of dying for you and me to do. The kind that doesn’t stop your breathing or your heart…but it’s still dying. Funny how the bible insists on calling it that. It doesn’t say “adjust.” It doesn’t say “tweak you behavior.” It doesn’t say “modify your identity.” It doesn’t say “evolve your personhood.” It says DIE. And keep dying."


      Death: the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism. 


Threads, themes, repetition... readings, conversations, thoughts, worries, subtleties, frying pans, PaNiCs... 

... themes... 

this one has been death...
We know it, most of us exist there in one way or another...

                              spiritual                

Emotional

Physical                                                                                                                                  Ours


                                        Theirs


             Bad

... Good

Its all pain, stench, longing and crying. It puts you at your end, it ties you in a ball on the floor in the corner of a room. It isolates

It deprives

to put it plainly, death kills you. 
I don't know why its following and penetrating... or maybe I do. It's not all the same thing though. Sometimes its the outcome of frustration. Sometimes a need of surrender. Those are good and bad. 
Some of it is a part of me thats dying. I'm not talking about a spiritual merit badge of dying to sin (if you follow my blog at all you know that I'm not that guy.)  I'm talking about the reality of reality.... the shit that follows life, like a black cloud looming over a long day. Every time you turn around you see it. sometimes it's distant, other times its such a sever closeness that your breath stops in the tops of your lungs and wont escape your throat. 
Not every day is so heavy, but some days its like part of you falls away just because of what has to be; or what is. Good or bad?!?!...? Doesn't really matter if its good or bad at this point, cause it still just is.
I suppose "theme" is so appropriate cause its not one thing. Not one area I can call to question. I have no direction to point a finger, actual or preverbal. 
Its work, its faith, its knowledge and belief. Its love its romance. Its purpose, its responsibility, Its waiting against wanting. Its patience against PaTiEnCe(?) Its love and trust for God, but only after we go a few rounds of "What the *^&*%" Its not wanting to be something, its wanting to be something. If i could only be something. Its a sermon that asks..."what voice are you listening too".... and an answer thats shame. Its heavy its real. It all HAS purpose....I just don't want all that purpose at once. 
my responses vary. The first...I want to go back...I want to swoop in and be the hero. The second. I want to wait for what I don't want to wait for. Loosen up, fall back, step away. ONLY observe and play no part (and does playing NO part mean that I have to completely play no part) ... This is for sure where I see a little of me falling away. I don't know if its waiting for what's right, or waiting for something to be right. or just waiting for something different all together. the second has been a plaguing question. The third reply was acted out by me running out of church today (after the sermon was over)  knowing I shouldn't linger for various reasons... all of those reasons had names, none of them have I ever met, all strangers... two of which were blond, one was brunette, many more that only stood out for a moment.... but leaving was best for me. Moments and choices. things I don't want to be... but things I long to be. The only answer that I do see to this question says only "Time"...a long time...
A different question now. "Worth?".. which voice on this one... the wrong one...I know I know.... but its honest. Not set by christ, not set by position. Answered sadly by ancy-frustration. its not money (ok well its not ONLY money) Its purpose, its where I see my place here,  but I don't see it anytime soon if ever. But evidently not now...
Many questions...much death...some life...but considering I don't know the questions even fewer answers... we'll call it a day.




Just thought I'd write a follow up disclaimer here...you don't for one have to understand ANY of this. It's as confusing to me as it is to you...hence the Bloggal-puking. Besides the whole thing was written by my A.D.D. (welcome to how i USUALLY think) And just as an FYI, not suicidal, just thought I'd cover my butt with that one. I'm good....just allot of life, and allot of question there of. some of which requires me to be and act a certain way, easy or not.