**WARNING**

Sigh: this one is gonna be fun. (insert melancholy tone here). If I don't get in trouble for this one, I'll be dangerously close. Please note now that I often use strong wording so that Black becomes rescued from a lost spirit of gray; and this article will be no different, sharper in-fact. As you read, understand that this apologetic is only one side of reality, and there exists a valid second half that won't be found here. The side your about to see is of the ever trampled minority, [we] are without a voice that resounds. I pray that you are patient with this article and heed this preamble. I've given cautions like this before that were ignored, and did the reader no good (once almost getting kicked out of collage... oops.) Yup this is gonna be one of 'those' blogs today...

**WARNING**

"MARKED"

There is a bothersome pattern within "biblical" Christianity (the parenthesis are only to devalue their use of the term on this issue). "Biblical" being the organized community of Christians that lets the Christian Bible be an authority on all things life, faith and doctrine. Giving them the benefit of the doubt instead of my usual cynicism, this community has done well, objectively doing life, not influenced by personal feelings, interpretations or prejudices but taking the bible as a simple literal guide. But like any group of men, led by men (as in human) they have areas of complacency and neglect. Today both intentionally and unintentionally, the Church itself is operating as a racist culture. Our acceptance has limited those that don't have the physical appearance of the conservative-fundamental/traditional class within christianity. We have reserved our fellowship, our offices and our podiums for those that are more "acceptable" in their appearance. A qualified, gifted individual will be blacklisted from service due to simple appearance nullifying any legitimate marks in a persons favor. This practice is nothing more than cultural bigotry and should be called for what it is: intolerance to opinions that differ from one's own.

I can hear the soliloquy response now. "but what about that one verse." I've heard all of the so called "biblical" arguments. "your body is a temple" (1 Cor 6:19), the removal body jewelry and ceremonial garments of the woman in Isaiah 3. The "braided hair" argument extrapolated from 1 Timothy 2:9, (cf 1 Peter 3:3) Every "weapon" wielded (and yes I meant that to be quite unflatteringly as the bible is not to be used in this manner) can be diffused by either a) looking at the context, or b) understanding what the letter meant to its original intended readers. (Both being covered in the elementary school level of proper bible study methods, and both methods are pridefully touted by the same people that use these arguments, with the exception of certain issues like this one)

**To read a brief biblical support, read the paragraphs below. to skip and take my word for it, go down to where it says "Continue."

What is being neglected is much of what the bible does teach on a deeper, more foundational level. Probably best seen in 2nd Samuel, when Samuel was choosing a new king for the nation of Israel. After looking at all the "kingly" looking men, Samuel heard the Lord speak for himself, giving this principle; "God does not view things the way men do, people look on the outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart." (16:7) A simple stated truth, more than I can say for the arguments to my opposition. But is this an isolation only to the circumstances of Samuel. No. Paul himself applies this principle to men as well in 2 Corinthians 5, the context being life lived through faith and not based on what we see. says this "[this is] so that you may answer those who take pride in outward appearance, and not in what's in the heart." Note; the issue is pride, not appearance. I'm not giving the pierced a free ride here. Your pride can be in body jewelry or a baptist-issue three-piece suit. So why do we let the suit serve and the pierced not... Bigotry. Paul goes on, verse 16 "so then from now on we acknowledge no one from an outward human point of view." Paul labels all of this an "ambition to please [Christ]" (verse 9). Leaving one to see here that living where the church is; displeases Christ, its head. Now before you think I'm speaking for God. lets let the man speak for himself.

John 8: Jesus speaking to the Pharisees (religious leaders)  "You people judge by outward appearances, I do not judge anyone [this way]." Silly me, when Jesus says "anyone" I think he means anyone. psh! In the interest of not being exhaustive here I'll skim the next few. Matthew chapter 23 Jesus, speaking again to the Pharisees, slanders them calling them "Hypocrites!" and "white washed tombs... looking beautiful on the outside but inside are full of a dead mans bones" (this particular point is even more emphatic and expounded in the passage, I encourage you to read it). There is a similar passage in 2 Corinthians chapter 10, this time we're back to Paul writing: "you are looking at outward appearances... they measure themselves by themselves, and compare themselves with themselves, they are without understanding." (this passage also is more emphatic and expounded and suggest you read it as well. I have chosen to give you the full of the simple passages and the 'cleft-note' version of the passages that even give a fuller meaning to this principle. I've done this to show that there is enough for an exhaustive apologetic, however my purposes are served by the simpler stated) As people we have a hard time seeing past the end of our own noses. Insert a pseudo-obscure deity into the mix and we're just gonna get it wrong.

But Chris, you ask, does the bible give any positives to the idea of this kind of "culture" as you claim it?" "Cause couldn't you just be using the same alterations to biblical interpretation as your opponents. Good question! (*pats you on the head) As a matter of fact, there is. The prophet Ezekiel (Ezekiel chapter 16); Verses 1-5 start the story of the nation as told by God himself. Seeing the nation as an unloved and abandoned child, malnourished and neglected by its parents. Left to die, and with no pity from onlookers. Verses 6-14 begins a shift in the story where God comes along as a man taking this "unwanted" as his wife. Taking such love for this "unwanted" as to treat her and dress her like royalty. "I put bracelets on your hands and a necklace around your neck. I put a ring in your nose, and earring s on your ears..." These are the words God himself uses to describe a tangible means of value and appreciation for an unwanted people. God himself tints them as a positive, in proper context.

There is also the cultural practice of a freed slave, willingly and wantingly continuing in his service to his previous master, in the practice of a "bondservant." Where the slave pierces his ear on his against his masters doorpost. choosing a life of service. A practice very few would even be aware of if it weren't in the scriptures as a picture of a man freed of sin, choosing servitude towards the object of his salvation... Christ (Paul was one of these by the way). Again portrayed in a positive. One even has to give allowance for the possibility of Christ himself returning with a tattoo. (now you think I'm crazy) Revelation 19:16 "he has a name written on his clothing and on his thigh: 'King of kings and Lord of Lords." If you are going to stake a claim in both the verbal and plenary interpretation of scriptures, as most in evangelical Christianity do, than you can't any firmer say that this isn't a tattoo as it is a tattoo. Because the bible doesn't give an explicit alternative to disallow the insinuation of a tattoo and yet still uses the words "on his thigh" than in the integrity of your theology you must allow for the possibility that this interpretation being valid. Taking away from Gods word is as evil as putting words in!

**Continued...

The issue is not grayed by biblical obscurity, as many would wish is to be. Yet we operate as if it is, using the  "agree to disagree" fall back on issues like this one. Because if we can hang our hat there we don't have to approach the issue of personal uncomfortability with people that are different than we are. It allows us to keep our bias with minimal conflict and fireworks. The problem is your pinning yourself against Gods own philosophy and heart for HIS people. Using the excuse of tradition, generation interpretation, or culture are nothing more than a vail for sin. Your trivializing and excusing opinions that are contrary to the scriptures and have no reason other than selfishness. By taking a stand in any of these arguments is putting yourself against people, not walking with them towards the heart of God. Your alienating, not accompanying. Churches and parachurch ministries that cater to this philosophy are enabling, and by default teaching a cultural racism within christianity. If you claim to be biblical, than be biblical; If that means being patient with people, on both sides of this issue, than guess what, your where your supposed to be. 

Well I started this with a warning, bracing you for harsh words and potential controversy. Maybe you think I've already reached that level on your scale. But if you think that my warning was overly-cautious than this next bit is for you. You see we still need to land this plane. Something like this doesn't just exist in an intellectual compactly. It isn't sifted through the greek and discussed over coffee. No, unfortunately not a single word I wrote means a thing if it doesn't have some skin on it. Theology does no one any good if it stays on paper and not in our words, and decisions. And so in an effort to rock a sturdy boat I'm going to share a real story, probably only dramatic to those that it involves. In an attempt at accountability I'm not going to avoid proper nouns (not intended to be a form of gossip or throwing of red paint, but only what is accomplished and not what is intended will really matter I suppose), I believe if you make decisions your accountable for them, yes to God, but when you lead men, your accountable also to men; Policies of a public office are for public review. 

(For the visual, I have four piercing: a lip ring, gauged ears and another ring on my upper right ear, I'm actually fairly clean cut, I'm more of a snob than a slob). I am an Audio and Acoustics Engineer (Live Sound production for concerts and alike) Recently My alma-mater Frontier School of the Bible, asked me to produce their yearly Christmas outreach. In visits to the campus throughout the semester, I'd been giving of my time training some of the interns to do audio production. Something I enjoy doing, and it was a good service to the school so doing it was as much for me as it was for them. I produced the Christmas outreach; which is an all day chore for an hour production. I was payed many compliments from various people that took notice of my efforts and abilities. Yet in the end I was told that because of my piercing I'm no longer allowed to serve in, on stage or on the production. You see the school received complaints that the man behind the scenes had piercing. The first mistake was not dealing with a personal problem using the guides set forth in Matthew chapter 18, in which the offended party would approach me directly first, nothing like this happened. Secondly the leaderships decision in the matter was to cater to bigotry and blacklist me from any on stage or production ministry.. I'm permitted now only to serve in construction projects with the school. This is synonymous with class distinction like you would see in the pre-victorian era. Because a piece of hardware decided both the venue and compactly Im even permitted to serve, My degree and years of experience didn't matter anymore. I'm not really upset that people complained really, I'm kinda used to it. What does upset me is the deficiency in the leadership to handle things in a more biblical manner. First they should have instructed the offended parties through Matthew 18. Their resulting decision enables, and by default endorses this bigotry to those that are up and coming church leaders. Who is gonna say "this stops with me" ? Eric huff once said "Learners will inherit the earth, while the learned find themselves adequately equipped to live in a world that no longer exists." For the last century the church has focused more internally on discipleship with less and less on the gospel; leaving those outside the church pleading for who Christ is and not knowing that they can find him here. Why must we conform people to christianity for them to become Christianity. We have a creative God who created diversity. Bigotry is digging the mass graves of hurting people who want your Christ. You can't even get over the guy in the pew next to you much less make it out the door to love a whore who thinks herself nothing better! I dream of a church where the ushers are sleeved in tattoo's and still invite the elderly over for brunch. But at this point, to be honest, I'd rather do life with a drunk than a pastor, cause I'd rather a screw up than a racist. Regardless where I find myself. I will articulate this holy gospel through my lips... ring and all! I will not bow to bigotry, endorsing the unbiblical masses at the expense of the marginalized. Without me the masses will make it to heaven through their poster child churches. I'd rather stay on their fringes cleaning all that they sweep under their rug. I will inter your sanctuaries through the side door with my integrity intact. For tonight thought, I retire, cause its late and currently I'm quite proud of myself that I wrote a very long blog without swearing ...quit while your ahead.

A Modern Ecclesiastes

[This is a true story, I just don't remember the names] There was once a wealthy and successful CEO; he's a strong leader, someone not just willing but capable of driving and growing those around him. He had a young executive of whom he saw much potential and so entrusted him with a large account giving him opportunity to grow, and show that he did indeed have the capabilities that others saw in him. Now I wish I could tell you that he invested time and creativity wisely causing the clients account to be beneficial, not just to his clients needs but also to his boss who risked allot to give him this opportunity. No, he indeed failed epically, to the sum of over a million dolor loss to his firm and the loss of a large contract. The CEO called him into his office; the young executive arrived presenting himself as a disappointment, understanding the repercussions of optimism carried on without wisdom. And at the end of his well rehearsed speech expresses that he will go start clearing out his office. At this end the CEO chimes in:

"why would you do a thing like that?" 

"well I kinda assumed...." But before he could finish his thought, he was interrupted:

"why would I desire for you to work for anybody but me" The CEO said, interrupting his monologue. "I just payed over a million dollars for your education, and I don't want my new investment working for anyone but me!"

I think its safe to say that this CEO has a unique perspective. I don't know that there are many that would react this way to such news. Because most of us go through life more like the young executive. The CEO cared more for who the young man was than what he did. And before you go on thinking what a neat uplifting story this is, think about what that means to the CEO, to be this kind of man means great loss to himself and many around him. And while I think all of us would sign up to be in the shoes of the young executive, I don't think many of us would like to be a colleague of his, now forced to shoulder the brunt of his failures. And while it's tempting to imagine yourself as a CEO in general, but especially one with that type of nobility; I think in reality few if any of us would ever be that guy, having to put up with certain loss and propensity for people to try and take advantage of you as the price for character. You see we all want to BE that kind of person, but the reason that we are just simply not there now is this; simply its hard, If character were easy or even natural to who we are, we would have no value for it. And we would certainly see more of it. Hell we'd be tripping over it everyday. But the simple truth is that it sucks to BE this person; it takes work and it takes pain. Most of which will never be seen, and even less than is seen will be appreciated.

Most of us go about life as the young executive intended to; wiping the slate clean, and trying to start over somewhere else. And because it is who we all are, we allow it in each other as well, because it just makes sense to us. 

To be fare, this isn't some delusion we have. For this young executive to clear out his office may suck for a day, but he will get a new job. And the people he will find himself around will see him with promise again. You see opinion and trust are things we inherently give when we first meet one another. Not in full measure mind you, but in a new place he will be given the benefit of the doubt to prove himself. By staying where he's at will take more work for the same reputation he could have elsewhere next week. And with no guarantee that he will even get it in the end, certainly not with everybody. He will have to prove himself again, and he will have to live the next while under the wait of his failure.

Maybe not as observed in our own lives what it would mean to BE more like the CEO than the young executive. But to ourselves it seems that is our natural compulsion to seek a clean slate, a fresh start; full of possibility and promise, rather than suffer through failure. And so when we fail at starting a business we shrug it off and go back to work with the boss you hate. When your marriage or relationship is struggling, it seems the only option you have is to quit, and maybe some day you can get another try with someone else. And yes, we do grow in all those experiences, I'm not trying to say that we are doomed to repeat our failures, my cynical nature wants me to say "usually, but not always." You see the truth is that you actually do have a shot at retirement if you go back to work for so and so. You probably do have a chance for happiness in your next marriage. Especially knowing what you know now. You see, these things are true, and because they are, our tendency is to use them to validate our decisions. Truth leads to truth right? No, I propose that injustice is not a vehicle for right. 

A life of these means turns people into commodities and focuses more on actions than the value of people. Your path to a fresh start devalues those who helped "pay for your education" in the first place. They are left with the consequences of who you chose to be in their lives, while others get to enjoy having "who you are now" around and in their lives. This time around your going to be a better employee, while your old employer cleans up your mess. You have a chance to be a "better father this time around," while your "other" kid grows up not knowing you at all. You can be a better husband/wife this time. A better boyfriend/girlfriend. A better Friend. While those you crush to help you become that put your failure in their self reflection and worth. But the biggest cadaver I see is the lost attribute of loyalty, cause lets face it, we all desire deep in our souls loyalty in those close to us. Leaving loyalty on the alter of what's easy; and the people I do value are no longer treated by how much I value them. Circumstances become impossible now because we no longer see the value of personhood. And with few exceptions; if we see circumstance as the driving force, than we no longer value people. We loose touch with our own character choosing instead cowardice in the place were courage once had its place in us. False Piety perceives the easiest things as the "right" things causing all of us to sacrifice some of our value as people.

And I wish I could be one to say that injustice will cry for our defense. But the reality is that their better job, better marriage, new family or whatever else this looks like will probably be better, and who of us would ever go back. No, the investments of our pasts will likely pay for each others better futures. We'll never get a return out of our investments in each others character. This is the saddest thing I've seen under the sun, this is my Ecclesiastes. And this too is meaningless. 

Converge

"we're calling it a 'retreat,' but i've always thought we should call it an 'advance'... no... no one got that, ok"

yeah, that was a good way to start, only one way to go after that. (no it wasn't my quote, although I've had my share of flops.)

and now for a disjointed explanation:

Well any church group that starts their trip with an ammo run already has a leg up on a good weekend / "turn the burger, turn the burger here he comes"...Fail!! [before I'd even gotten my order] (nick) - "these are really good" (me) "I know right!!... oh...sorry TJ" / playing chess in a department store, and turning all the stareo's loud  / ...Estes Park... check in, just kidding, drive around the complex first, Thank you 'Journey' collage ministry for blocking off OUR road, its ok keep reading I'll get um back. / Check in / Starbucks run ... just kidding, TJ took our car to be a gentlemen, propps TJ but now I have to wait for my coffee (what to do while I wait...?... Poop in TJ's bathroom, that'll teach him to make me wait.)  /  Coffee run done on to spiritual matters / First session, Serban Talks, a bit scattered I could tell but good talk on Romans 8 on all the things the Lord has given us. / "family time" ...."Heeeeeeeeeeyyy Chris, wanna be a family leader, we're one short...(me) absolutely. / (one of my "kids") "so what are we supposed to do, I dono I've been a dad for two minutes, and YOU were there!!!! / *rewind to the drive over to the 1st session* / [miles] "WHO is SHE?!?! as he pears through the car window, girl waring a half classified Lingerie tank top and a torn T over top..."I donno miles" / *fast forward back to family time* / four girls in the group none of which I've ever met, Jenny Ginny and Jacque (oh you think its simple eh, you learn those names well in an instant) and the forth was keri (linerie girl, lucky me I picked the cold room where she suddenly felt the need for hoodie ;) / family time over on to free time / Hmm interesting, our dorm has a two story atrium with flagstone to the ceiling, what to do with such a room....CLIMB!!!!! Think we'll get in trouble, nope two of the chaperones are spotting people on their form (I love my church) / Hmm lemmi see, Karaoke next...NO! ...Buuuuuuut I noticed that the other collage retreat going on seamed pretty big, I should crash their lodge and see what mischief I could dig up...YES, good plan. / ...approaches the doors, Oh! doormen and I don't have one of their clever lanyard passes...Hmm, walk in like you own the place, say Hi to someone on the way in....Woot! ; wait...whats this, a sanctuary with all the chairs removed and about 400 people in the middle of the room dancing...I think I will thank you. (crashing always makes it more fun) / Girl - Guy ratio 10/1 which was nice cause swing dancing with guys is just awkward, that was fun, I like the group dances the best I looked  like a retard but they were church people they shouldn't judge ;) / midnight, dance party shut down, sit and sketch for a few hours cause you know, who needs sleep right / and of course who's gonna sleep past 6 when there is sunrise Yoga, not me ...just kidding I we had a prayer service next door, had you going didn't I...although I'm sorry to spoil the image of me in spandex and sweat band doing the back bend. its ok I know you'll remember it ;) / Go out of my way to pray for brian (worship leader who resigned from our church but it was nice to have him back for a weekend) ... frying pan moment about brian / talk with him later, apologize for arrogantly only respecting him musically and not personally, we had a good chat and a man-crush hug. His life looks like mine right now and I've seen his courage. / First session and family time went well / Free time... oh yeah, SHOOTING!! almost 500 rounds of ammo a gun shy hoodlum and a Beauty-Queen with attitude (love the contrast in my friends) we had the perfect group for the event, it was a ball, thanks guys / "hey Cookie did you get your nap"... "Yeah, for about 10 minutes"... "was that even worth it?" .."Oh yeah cause a 10 minute nap means I got to be naked for at least 20 min, and every day needs a little naked right?" [a multitude of nods in agreement] / Dinner, Blah, like FSB food, = good poops / A TON of "thats what she said" jokes, courtesy of our resident Beauty Queen with attitude, as a result almost falling off my chair and peeing on the floor, thanks mike for not giving her more bold ammunition than even she would take. / last session -  Worship: epic, tears, brothers, a community of collage kids connecting with each other and their God as we cut through our own "BS" (I went P.G.) / happy Birthday Patrick, "where's my cake?" well: floor + pastor A + Pastor B + Beauty Queen = youtube moment ... cleaned the floors with windex. big fat greek wasn't all that bad for advice / The candy snipper ended up having a pastoral degree and hid behind the girls, it was well played I was impressed but we caught you on film / On the way back: Overpriced Pizza, sleeping and conversing doesn't always work. / and we end sleeping on the Gore's couch with homemade Carmel apple in me belly!! the end

...Coffee shop Closes and now I leave...

Two Words

Word one


re·mem·ber [ri-mem-ber]


"to recall to the mind by an act or effort of memory; think of again:"
"to retain in the memory; keep in mind; remain aware of:"


A simple word, with resounding and widening implications the further into it I intention myself. pressed and shoved away from familiar, not the familiar of day to day, that is lost; but the familiar of the who that the day to day was spent on. Pressed and shoved by the distortion of distance, the darkness of hurt, and empty answers that will never provide even the elusion of peace. And all of this has the potential to become a labyrinth written in hopelessness. And the lie... the lie allows the circumstance to redefine the "who" into something else, someone foreign and never seen before. the lie; it tries to destroy, not the person, the person is untouched by the lie, it belongs to the lie holder. The destruction of the "Who" in the eye of the lied too promises to avenge the circumstance: To pain for pain. To word itself around in an attempt to answer; "why." To remember is to remember who the who was when you did see them. And if the "who" was a "loved;" than likely you know the "who" better than the lie anyway. The intentionality of "remember" is the cain in the blind dark to still feel your way around when your no longer allowed to see. To remember the who, and not see with the eyes of the lie, which are the only glasses you have now... so shut your eyes, remember your room even in the dark. Let the memory of the space now guide you without the use of your eyes. And while your eyes are closed use the time to pray for the who that you remember in the familiar. Because the "who" being of the "loved" gives me a deeper understanding to take to prayer than the passerby, The distant or the occasional don't know the who better than you know the who. there is likely only one who does. Therefore the potential is there for specific prayer for the very who of the who that no one else understands but you. And so you can be, on the knee, for the who.




Second word


... not as personal, not as vague, not circumstantial or individual. But just as true, just as heavy.... just as much a choice as "remember" this one is:


for·give [fer-giv]


"to give up all claim on account of"


As much choice as remembering, to let go of thoughts and phrases that have been given you. the things that bend you in half, steal your breath, loose your appetite and sleep. It doesn't decline that these are there, that this all happens, and still will. But it changes the person that chooses it, and changes how they see the one who its chosen for. that no matter how many days are spent on the floor, how many times breathing stops. they are never treated or seen differently. not by naïvety or ignorance, not to ignore the hurt. That wont pull a punch or soften a word. It excepts itself as unfair and next time it'll except it again.


And for either of these two words to have their own integrity, they cant be conditional. they cant be shelf-life'd.  And they aren't written here for an invitation, because they're both just as true if no audience is ever, from here forward, permitted. For their reason is not for the loved, but for the chooser himself; to honor the loved. by being a better self than has been before, in similar acts of similar plays. This is the decision which begs for the courage and strength to be as is decided. The fortitude of the moment to close the eyes and "remember" today... and then do it all over again tomorrow

Memoirs of a big brother

So I'm at church last night, I'm exhausted cause i worked all day. I have friends showing up and I'm totally scatter brained anyways. And as I'm walking around saying the usual hello's and introducing my friends that came, a friend (who is a girl) makes light of an overbearing guy situation, not necessarily hers. said "dude" is schmoing on her to get to her friend. I made the usual offer of castration and torture. A few minutes later he walks behind her and pats her arm with the back of his hand. she winces and then explains "thats him." A few minutes later I saw him walking by again and I was poised and ready, I saw her brace for the nudge and I was ready to balls him. but allas he simply walked by this time. this isn't too out of the ordinary really.
Later durring the service I get a txt from another girl who was on a long drive home that day "I'm about home, thought you'd like to know" and not a minute later someone hands me a note, it was the girl from the lobby earlier "thanks for making me feel protected and safe"  ... this starts the holding back of tears for the whole rest of the sermon. Where are the men?? Why are they thanking me? why do I now have to be careful with some of these girls so that I don't invite the openness of affection from them. I don't want the wrong ideas, I'm a protecter. Ladies: your SO valuable. I want you to know it, and I want the guys your around to know it more!!!! But I'm constantly met with surprise when i stand in the gap for someone. Why?? THIS SHOULD BE NORMAL!!!! the scales are tipped the wrong way. this is my rant, and now I'm being kicked out of the coffee shop...rant to continue later

at days end; put down the phone, the last txt is done which was more than allowed but cant say that I mind or don't understand, but stopped it was. I sat down with all the intentions of reading, and after a paragraph realized that my desire wasn't really in it. so here I sit, and I'd rather be here...

Two chapels today, they went well, the second was an impromptu push for the gospel, and I'm totally cool with that. The music today was better. The high-schoolers are working tighter today which is cool to see, hope I was a part of that happening. It seams like easy duty, I'm playing guitar and teaching Bass to a girl, she's quiet but fun. I'm not leading per-say, coaching and supporting really; aiding the kids that were here already. I don't have all the other duty's that I had at the last camp, which I thought I'd enjoy the simpler duty. On one side I suppose its been good (I got to take a nap today if that tells you anything) i just like to feel more involved than I am, but its not bad. So the day is over,I'm the only one up in it seams all the camp, they go to bed earlier here. And the usual routine is that I lock up hours after even the staff is in bed. Usually I'm in the chapel playing music till like 2am. I'm usually really loud and the room is big and dark, i like that. last night some of the summer staff evidently came in the entry way to hear me play, I found out this morning, didn't bother me at all, and totally unrelated to that, tonight I'm in the cafeteria; someone left the coffee maker on and I'm playing the opportunist. 

Today was our messy day... started with mud games, which led to a less than planned group lake swim. I lost my necklace in the lake playing human jetski with way more riders than a real jetski would have...I didn't mind a bit. I'm liking playing with kids, i don't always, but I've had more opportunity to lately and I like it, I don't think I'd like it everyday so don't get the daddy bug all over me, I want that but a while from now. I'm good with spurts at the moment. we ate lunch in the field so we could stay messy because after lunch was a food fight. we emptied the kitchen of all its left overs and... well... stayed messy. I was there for a short while and then went to take my old man nap. har har har. 

Talking with Linda today, we were talking about ministry, getting to know her and Vic more, how they ended up together and in ministry, she was talking about "being called." I replied "yeah I still have no clue what I'm doing" (i.e. supposed to be doing) But she liked that i still try: "most people sit on their rears for 30-40 years not even trying" (totally NOT a direct quote.) and yeah I get that, I'm glad to be doing what I get to do. I just wish it wasn't so little. She said "think of how awesome its going to be when you find yourself there though." It's a nice thought, honestly I've lost the hope and sight that i'll ever see myself anywhere i'd like to be (personal life aside, just talking bout ministry and the other side of life) I just don't see the success of anything in sight. I hope to hope I'm wrong (not a typo) I don't like the onset of more years like my last, waiting, sitting, stewing. longing to do something of relevance with life. Not that I'm pointless as a person. I just want to be more than someone who feels like I'm just waiting in line with my life. It's a guy thing I think, but I don't have another opinion along beside me so thats what I get. 

I'm leaving early now, headed out late tomorrow after night chapel. taking vic to cheyenne to catch a ride to the airport for puru (or some country like that...hmm evidently time for the third cup....MMmmmm there we go) Aaaaaaaaand apparently I've run out of things to say to you, cause my head is at the biggest blank of the day... so there you have it...wednesday

Failure. Ultimatum, punishment. not enough, never enough. woke up to find that all the things you work and strive never to be now you are. Character, honor and integrity stripped, becoming everything you lash out against in others. And where is sincerity??? well thats the only thing you have to help you sleep at night and we all know how well you do that. To see that those you love are better without you than with you. happier, fuller... less tangled and waited. but where did family go?? great @*&! So what is family than? is it really the farce that in denial some how you teased? and does fake fix anything. And when did good become sin? why are the good things the things that make me hate life? wanting to start over, new.... brand new. not for freshness and incentive, but for mercy. to loose everybody, not just the one... because everybody are part of the one... and you were, but now your not. and how did that happen??? well stop playing in the railroad tracks and you wont be hit by a train! Try and try, work and sacrifice to be and have Honor, to do right by those who deserve it... and what did it do... it took your honor and fowled the stench of everything that attempted preservation. and what's the advice... "your trying to hard" and what do I do then, don't try? yes cause that sounds like a working plan that has done so many so much good. *rolles eyes. But still, all that sacrifice ever did was take, not just what you thought you were protecting and building, but it cost the builder the build.
Used, spoiled... done. not enough, not worth the efforted  is the effort anymore. fighting the lie of being lied to. Family-blood-decission... are these conditional. today it seams they are. and what to do?? nothing. becoming the farthest one from the one you were closest with and smiling like your cool with that. And the dreams will see you fade out of frequency, like the dreams of the day have. your name will still be used in address but not in dialogue anymore. And what is the comfort to this? that the memories will not find you forgotten, but only syndicated never new. Is a notion of fondness acceptable? no, not really. but that doesn't mean that thats not what it is.

and now I give you a blog, that has been sweated over and pondered over for months, grown and shaped and now is the time to unveil the genius that is this simple statement, are you ready...

"BlAh!!"

I was pondering this morning...a dangerous thing is a mind with the ability to flow, especially when it has the time to follow that current. I was thinking specifically about worship. why do we worship? what is it really? what does it do? is it for the worshiped or the worshiper?... these thoughts aren't abnormal for me. worship is something thats on my mind allot really so this is all familiar ground to me. I ask those questions often and seek the answers regularly like they were the first time I'd asked them. but this time I thought of a broader angle. Typically I think more first person (I'm selfish I know just go with it) Why do I worship God, is the way I worship God right and good and the way it should be, this type of thing. but this was a different thought, it was an outward comparison that made me see how much my God is worth all of my worship. so here's the thought.

My mind survey religions: mainstream, tribal, pagan or "Christian." (anything contained in the spectrum of an "act of worship") I thought as I considered the religions that I was familiar with, from tribal forms to service forms (Islam, Catholicism, Jehovah's Whiteness' etc.) I thought of how most peoples worship is a form of favor or fear, where as biblical christianity has its worship centered around interaction and connection with its deity. Many forms of religion define their worship as something they have to suffer and give u; the clech'e sacrificing of children, or livestock; giving money, ritual/obedience suicides. The things they believe have them focused on this type of worship to define their devotion or favor. A young man, to be devoted to his god, kills another; or a  business man giving a fat check to his church with the same mindset. I hear allot of christians that say things like "worship is a lifestyle" and we sing songs that say "let my lifesong sing to you" and this is all called worship. the decisions I make and the manner that I conduct myself throughout my day to day is now called worship. For the individual I'll give the license to define if it is or not, but as I thought about it today i saw that as Honoring truth, and while I suppose that is a form of worship in itself it was isolated by what I was thinking of worship. I've defined worship for years as "ascribing God his due worth" and that has some form in my day to day yes. that honor and devotion has an aspect of sure worship. but for a minute pack that aside and go with me on something... when I walk into a church and sing a song or when I pray. I can fail at my day to day honor towards God and yet sing and pray with a sincerity of who God is. is that worship?? ...I would say yes, can I appreciate and admire the character of God and still make lingering bad decisions? I sure hope so because I've done it for years. this whole train of thought was considering the gift that it is to be able to do that. that as a christian i can fail and suck at life decisions, live in dishonor and selfishness. and still respect and joy in the character of my God. they aren't connected as much as I usually make them to be in my mind. Which does leave room for people to try and enjoy God's character and presence, then dishonor him all week long, and this does happen (not just in "their" life...in yours and mine  too) But I was thinking about seeing how different our worship is from everybody else's. others have to "worship" hard... while we get to enjoy our God. Makes me see God differently. makes me see worship differently, where its not again a means of gaining anything from God...its just hanging out with him. Being excited about him, Thankful for him.
So there you have it, allot of rambling and disjointed thoughts but they make sense to me, you can deal with it.

for months God its been the same, for years mostly. There has been levity in moments and huddles of time. Sometimes a week, sometimes just a breath. but mostly the same for some time know...a little over three years our honeymoon time couldn't have lasted forever, yes... did the season that followed have to be so long, so dark at times,so lonely, bitter and depressing. Struggling and striving. success surrounds me and everyone thrives. and I...I'm not stopping, your not getting rid of me that easily. I love you, I believe you, Its not an every day thing that I don't like you, but that doesn't mean that the other days I do like you either. Its been a time of learning how much that love is a choice, not just with people, yes that too, but also with you. I study, I learn, I converse and intrigue where I can have effect. and all the time knowing that I never wanted to have to love you like this. You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me and I want to live in your joy more than in your "be-attitudes." I know some that are enthralled in you, not in the naive first time riding a bike kind of way, no... they've know the reality of knowing you, and their worm in your love. Most days I wake up, and try my best to be in the world in the manner of one that knows your goodness. Wether I see your warmth or not I know your True, Just and Good. And without or without your joy that will keep me going. I know I can move and forge ahead in everything you have for me on just that. I don't doubt it; I rarely have. That's my "most days" ...

...today... you allowed different, I pray for your warmth, for your mercy and goodness more than your reality in life. today you worked. I would continue regardless of your answer to those prayers, because they aren't as important as truth. But of course I would rather have both, but that never seams to work in my life, I see it in others. but today you worked like that in mine. I could enjoy your words, didn't get profoundness out of them per-say, but I loved just being there, Today you worked for me. I rarely find myself simply overwhelmed by you for no reason, but today that prayer worked, I could barely keep my stupid car on the road through tears that had no emotion; no sadness or specific high, they just were... today being a christian actually worked, it was more than being on the side of truth, it was being with you.  ... today you worked. thank you.

The loyal are better off than the loved.

I have wrestled with a phenomenon that keeps making an appearance in my life. I've been blessed by having wonderful people around me. people that are very real with who they are. I appreciate them more than they will ever know. They're closer to me than blood and I would die for many of them, they tell me that they love me, and more than a handful have gone out of their way to show me that they love me too. 
And every once and a while, I find a particular girl thats already in my life that I want to keep around for good if I can swing it.) So far I have a perfect track record. (just in case you need a subtle hint I'm single) And its usually as someone  is walking away, slipping away, or flat out jogging away that I hear the words of reassurance "I do love you."
and i don't want you to read those words cynically. The few girls I've had the Honor (!) of pursuing after were wonderful, and meant so so much to me even now. We were careful with each other and left the relationship with no or little regret (now I didn't say it wasn't hurtful some times, or difficult for sure, for those of you that know my story you know) And their words that affirmed their love for me weren't hollow, I know from the girls that said those words to me did mean them. And yet, when my ears heard them I found myself dropping my hands and furrowing my forehead. My reaction didn't mean that I found them less than sincere, I found all of them to be quite sincere. Yet the reassurance wasn't' ever what I thought it would be. the phrase meant allot yes, but their love didn't matter. Because it's never been enough for one of them to stay. And these are girls I know understand what love is and isn't in reality. I'd find myself thinking "ok, so you love me... why doesn't that change things then.?" Even i believed their love to be genuine; without question actually. and yet I knew that love didn't mean as much all a sudden. because they were taking their love, packing it up and choosing to walk away. They didn't "fall out of love" in fact all of them did the apposite, they took their love with them when they left. 


I've always esteemed love as the greatest state or decision to find yourself in. I assumed that with all that the bible says about love, made it the greatest. And honestly that made good sense to me. So why did it feel like the reassurance wasn't adequate. if love is the greatest, than why did it suddenly make itself of no consequence. There's something missing from love. love by itself is wonderful, but nearly useless. Like a door lock a 24 hr, store, yeah I'm glad its there but what good is it doing. I've learned recently what the missing part of love is: Its loyalty, without loyalty Love means very little all of a sudden. And love means allot I don't want to down play it. But without loyalty I don't know that love has had any effect on my life, I've still lost everybody so far thats loved me. They made a decision to love me, but no one I've ever met has made the decision to be loyal too. Love is wonderful, but I now think differently about its importance. Love is a decision thats vital to make for the people that are important to you, but the ones that stay have to make the next decision, to choose also to be loyal too. 






Loyalty:  "faithfulness or devotion to a person conceived as deserving of fidelity." 
Psalm 20: 28 "loyal love and truth preserve a king, and his thrown is upheld by loyal love"

life love and truth?!!?

Ok God so I get that real love is not emotion driven narrow minded euphoria. I get that its not the kind of thing that "comes and goes" I get that its also not something that always will feel good. You tell that real love has, in fact, no resemblance to those things. quite different actually. you say that real love is being patient with someone, when I'm stressed and out of energy. That its being kind to a person who does things that hurt you. Mostly you say that real love is looking out for someone even and especially at my own expense, and I don't think I'm going outside your word to add that you do that regardless of how they response to you. You say that I should know love by what I've seen you do for me. The defining thing that always makes the bible true to me is that even things that I don't think work, or don't feel they should work that way... when I do them your way, they work. I see that in the example of yourself. All of those things that you've said ARE love I see in you. Your very name is synonymous in definition with love as you've it. So I see it there.
But I still don't see that act of the play put into flesh aside from in you. I see other ideas of "love" work for other people, and that doesn't make sense. I just had a conversation with a guy a few minutes ago about how he's "putting out feelers" to the girl he likes, but always leaving a way out that he can back peddle to. God that seams cruel to me. (yeah I get to give him my opinion after church... that'll be fun) but  the reality is that some day that's likely to work out for him. I've seen a thousand philosophies of love that aren't anything like yours work out. I'm not saying that I EVER (!) want that to be me. I have seen your definition work the best. I'm not abandoning it by any means. But in most other areas, when people try and twist, distort, fog or flat out try things different than you, it doesn't have the epic fail that usually follow things that are not your idea. I suppose I'm curious why you allow that in this of all areas to go on. you allow the lines of "success" to get blurred here where in other places and compartments of life you draw a distinct contrast. Is that your compassion? and if it is, than where's your compassion for those that adhere to your definition? The responsibility of adhering to your best idea is great, and so are its rewards I'm sure, but when does your compassion decide on our success. or even on our levity. this is when I want to see you, to have that kind of coffee chat with you. I know that you desire my trust, and you have it. I just wish for the same intimate understanding I get from you on other things.

Well its kinda late (for most people) and I just said goodnight to some of the people I love the most. They're scattered all over the globe and I still get to tell them "G'night." I have an essay to finish by the morning, I've been working on it a while and just need to get my head out, or my head is out and I need to clear it before going back... either way, here I am and most decidedly not there.
It's been a few weeks since my last blog, not cause I didn't want to, I've actually been meaning to write for a while, but some silence is good too. And even though i thrive on transparency, its better that some things are held solo or kept between only a few. But there is something I've learned about God over the last, gosh, I don't know how long, Its been a few years of educating at this point. It has to do with how I see God now verse how I saw him when I first became a Christian. I don't know that I'd call it a nicer picture... but its probably more accurate.
When God first started showing up, it was fun, He was exciting to get to know! He was a trip man, so new...so exciting, so...I don't know...fun. And even though it was nerve racking sometimes, just with different things I went through to see different parts of him. it was exciting...It was a literal adrenaline rush. It was the same euphoria as I get flying or Rock climbing when I have to do something a little stupid to get my next grab. It felt the same, just as real. Just as high. But God didn't keep that. in fact its very upside down from what I always thought I was getting into with him. So what keeps me on his side if he's not like he was... simple. I didn't start believing because he was fun, not even, I wanted nothing to do with "his kind of fun," I was pleasantly surprised when I started enjoying him. No; I believed because I saw the things I saw in the bible, (not the things in churches or from christians mind you, I'll save that for a not as family friendly blog ;) and the things it said about Jesus, and the things it said about God... When I really looked, they were true. or at least with some of them "IF" they were true, I could believe in a God like that.
I saw a principle in "truth" that to be truth, I couldn't decide it to be true, I could only recognize it as true. it was true regardless of my recognition of it. so what kind of drastic difference does this make. To me... it makes everything different. You see I don't enjoy God most of the time any more, in fact, to be perfectly honest, some days I don't even like him. I've said the prayer more than once "I'm not going along with you because I want to... but because I told you I would" because like it or not; He was still God: and even though being with him is "uncomfortable" (*PG). and some times flat out hurts. I know that he IS a better man than I. and I can trust a better man than me. I remember a teaching recently where [scott] said, "if your wanting to get into ministry because of your compassion for people, I hate to tell you, your gonna have a short carrier." because your compassion will only get you so far; it will only last through so many long nights, hard conversations and 2 am phone calls. "Your going to run out of compassion, because your dealing with people, and people hurt. but a compulsion for God to see his glory, in all of the mess of life, thats an endurance you cant measure." That idea has been bouncing around in my head since I heard it. because it resonates with my life, you see THAT makes my life make sense. because even thought I don't LIKE God...I can still love who he is. Because I know he's right... because even though some days it seams so much easier if I could just ignore him... I know he's real. And knowing that he's real, changes things. it doesn't make life full of smiles and games. It doesn't make my nights any shorter or have me wake up rested and peaceful. but after the longest night, I can get out of my bed in the morning knowing that life still hurts, [so and so] is still gone, whatever is going good in my life has the ability to combust just as fast as the last thing did. I can get up, take a deep breath and count every minute until I go to sleep tonight only to do it all again tomorrow. I can do that, not because I can fake a smile, take a pill or think of greener grass, but because I know that the one who said that He's there...is there. and that same one said that he's faithful to me, and I believe him, even though I doubt, I trust. and even though life doesn't make sense, I know that I can KNOW what I see in him is real and thats enough some how. I find some fortitude in "truth," I don't find much energy there, but I do find strength.