feed the need...

There are two sides to our lives; the physical side (of which I include emotional and behavioral aspects) and the spiritual. The relationship between these sides of a persons life play a dance back and forth that can almost always be seen only in glimpses, but never do you see every spin dip or perorate. They change leads as they move around the dance floor. Sometimes intentionally but other times one simply goes where the music takes them and forgets the dance they started at the beginning of the song.  There are times in the physical dimensions of our life that devastate, frustrate, or interrupt the spiritual. There are circumstances and things people do to us in life, invited or not that, that unlace the shoes of one or another and cause the other to carry a limp body across a glossy floor. Wether you agree with me about the relationship between masculinity and femininity or not, you'll likely agree that in a dance their needs to be a lead. Its logical to me that by design the stronger should lead, because if one needs to be carried across the floor at times they are better suited. This is the spiritual, for as little is seen and understood it is stronger. it has the ability to carry the tangent side of life when it crumbles faintly. If thats ever happen to you than you've seen that when nothing else is left we grab ahold of what we know to be true and real, wether we understand it or not we reach with everything we have! When we allow the spiritual to degrade because it was either counterfeit or neglected we cant grab the physical in the same way. I wont say that grabbing the physical is harder, because its not true, its actually easier. But not better. 
I remember less than a year ago going through a time where I needed the spiritual. Not in a "got my daily food" kind of way. but I couldn't get through my day without the peace I found in scripture. The physical foundations and philosophies I built my life on were gone or changing. The spiritual side was the only steady, only real thing that could keep me from drowning. I remember relating this to one of my professors. He saw this part of my life through. And I remember a conversation in the middle of the swelling waves of a long storm, where I related to him how necessary it was to be just reading and reading in my bible. Literally if I hadn't sat and read in the last few hours I couldn't breath, Panic and clouds of dark dark depression set over my spirit. the time frames of keeping life together wasn't set in a day by day fashion but in a moment by moment hour by hour. It's nice not to be there any more. I like sitting on the floor instead of living there. walking instead of wallowing. I don't enjoy the process of picking myself up off of the floor. but the necessity of Gods words to guide each breath... inhale.... exhale; is missed. without a reliance on it I find myself drifting in the dance. letting the weaker to lead. dragging the large figure of the stronger side laid limp on its quivering frame still trying to make it look natural. 
Have you ever had a close friend, and during a season, you txt occasionally, you leave a message here or there but you find yourself one day realizing that you haven't sat still and looked deep in their eye and sought to understand more of them, to BE with them. Feeling your life connected again. It's been months since I've had more then the few cordial TXT messages that go on between me and my savior. Allot of blogs,. or writings draw to a close making sure to leave the reader with a tidy bow wrapped around the thought. "God is amazing...blah blah." ... and he is. I'm just saying that real life at the end of the day looks more like the frail dance partner trying to get out off the floor with whatever dignity they can... and so for my grand exit; my malnourished partner and I will bow out with a smile, and grab some fresh air...

Batteries not included

I have dreams and ideas, things I endeavor to accomplish, and the game is seems to be wait. Not do nothing…but wait. The difference is that in waiting, it won’t just happen suddenly. Ideas don’t instantly soar like I think they should. Few people have the means to do all that our heart and mind set to pursue. Which means for the rest of us…we wait. And work one day at a time hoping to move if only an inch a day.

I’m an idealist, I have BIG dreams. Plans to change the world, literally! Unlike most I’m naive enough to still believe as an adult that it’s possible. Good, I like myself with just the right amount of delusional. And so I wait. Not until God snaps his fingers and drops it on the floor in front of me. But waiting looks more like time, it takes time for my reality to take a firm grasp on my ideology: It evolves, typically only seeing progress when you look behind you.

With relationships it’s different: “do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” God see’s a bigger picture, and doesn’t just endorse what we ask him to, when we ask him to. No good father would blindly do that for their children. But I remain a hopeless romantic.  I can’t honestly say that I wait with so much patience in this one anymore. This is an area that I don’t have the desire to wait but only do so because I know what’s right. I’m realizing more and more that I’m marked, stained. I let past influence experience interrupt how I would like to act, and who I would rather be. So the battle becomes not waiting; but fear of not seizing the day. This can be a wonderful thing if you’re playing the pursuer!!! But becomes difficult when the job you know you have is to wait. Sometimes the task of waiting calls for you to shelve ourselves, which isn’t such a bad habit to consider with this topic anyway ;) But it becomes a battle inside your will, life has taught you one thing and yet you believe another must be true. And when non-activity is the thing you fear the most, and yet what you know is right at this point in life.

Wait for life, wait for love, wait for gradual change to reach the point of ‘noticeable.’ Sometimes I think “will I ever be done with this thing you like to do God?” like someday I’ll reach some pinnacle of spiritual maturity and God will say “Good, got that stuff out of the way, now all you have to do is ask and it’s your…just add water” Like waiting on God is a form of spiritual boot camp instead of a form of intimacy with God. The sad thing is that allot of times I expect that from Him someday. I know it’s not who he is, but I seem to think it’s the way he should be. But ya know, it’s not such a bad problem really, because this kind of thing marks the thing between God and myself as a relationship, I do not own religion! Woot!!

ramblings of an early morning

insert jack; thumb finds the center button and a luminescent apple worms your earbuds with anticipation. Meese, Foreign Oren, flogging molly, Taylor swift, Panic! at the disco,  Owl City and Good Charlotte... Drowning in melodies early in the morning with eyes closed head on pillow. Mmmm  the best way to start a day. couldn't sleep any more. Five hours. I feel like a sprinter... late to bed early to rise but the middle part was good. Two hours spent in melodies, thoughts move: Physics, investments, the good the bad (the ugly HA! beat you to it) of life, Politics and demographics, people... the mustache lady I saw yesterday. (when you get old you should care at least a little about looks *shudders) Mind slipping back and forth from coherent to melody. fingers pound a fret board made of imagination and back to thought. Sifting through parts of my book all written in my head. A relationship, a someday, looking forward is good, a conversation I'll get to have some day making up how it will go. fire engine red (Mhmm!) A notion; be allowed to wash feet someday. good stuff. *sigh, short prayer but a good one. OH! new music videos. yes!!!! the beach: worm sand, an aroma that happens not to be pleasant, but so unique that you enjoy the kind of times that it brings. I miss the ocean. Two hours pass in this fashion. the house is still asleep, My ears are far from bored but do I risk getting up and disturbing the solitude that my eyes see in the room... Oh.... Hi chubb's nvm

Drive verses dead weights!

I'm almost at the point that I'm tired of advice. there is some advice that I appreciate more than I can express. But most of the advice that I hear is the kind that comes from well meaning people, with no imagination or perspective of your life and your ideals. If your like me you get more of the second than the first. Its usually the advice that you DIDN'T ask for. It doesn't always come directly, its usually in the form of little comments dropped here and there. I see it as a subtle manipulation really. They may not mean it as that but thats honestly what it is. Its a bit of sarcasm that lets you know they don't approve, or its a nudge in a particular direction by asking only questions that are always about the same things. You can tell because the conversation will always end up back there no matter how you answer the question; be polite or be direct it matters little, until your where they want you to be the conversations will never change. At least they never seam to.
Yesterday I was hit with the comment "oh right, you don't really know what your doing in life, I forgot" while the person standing next to me was then told, "I'm proud of you." Lucky for me the comment was far from true. I know exactly what I want, I could draw you the most vivid picture. Because I see it in detail every moment, awake or asleep. This person knows that about me, and they want the best for me. It just so happens that they aren't the deciders of what that looks like. I have a God who tells me that He knows the hairs on my head. Having plans for me, plans that are good. I've never had a point in my life where I didn't know what I wanted to do. I do have times when I'm unsure if I'll succeed. and times for sure when I look at scraping a dream, doing instead something that I think will succeed. Its my attempt to avoid the prospect of failure. But the thing about faith is that it refuses to let you off easy when you feel a little skittish or insecure. Here's some advice that I do like! Eric Hoff said:


"In times of change, it is the learners who will inherit the earth, while the learned will be beautifully equipped for a world that no longer exists"


Yesterday is not today and it will certainly not be tomorrow. The advice that I make a habit of ignoring is the kind that forgets this. Generations before have followed modals that served them well. However, Starting on the ground floor and working your way up the ladder isn't what this country is any more. You don't go to collage and get a degree just to have a degree. You've probably heard the same thing that I have, "it doesn't matter what its in, you just need one." This may have been great advice fifty years ago. But modals from the past should be just that. What I do follow is character. I can look at men who had the Character to not give up or give in. to keep going when they were called foolish. Thomas Addison failed over a thousand times before making a stable light bulb, Ab lincoln went to war a Captan and returned a private. I look at great people from history, and great examples living today. And all of this after knowing that God is a personal God. Who's character is seen more than any others! So in short, I will be resolute, i will be firm...immoveable. On the track that HE has me on, regardless of approval or opinion. And I will be guided by some great people along the way.  


Jeremiah 29:11 "for I know the plans that I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper and not to harm. plans to give you a hope and a future." 
I follow principles not modals, and God rather than opinion. I have a drive to do what HE has saved me to do, it may not happen as fast as I want it to, and it may change hats along the way...but thats how it is.