life love and truth?!!?

Ok God so I get that real love is not emotion driven narrow minded euphoria. I get that its not the kind of thing that "comes and goes" I get that its also not something that always will feel good. You tell that real love has, in fact, no resemblance to those things. quite different actually. you say that real love is being patient with someone, when I'm stressed and out of energy. That its being kind to a person who does things that hurt you. Mostly you say that real love is looking out for someone even and especially at my own expense, and I don't think I'm going outside your word to add that you do that regardless of how they response to you. You say that I should know love by what I've seen you do for me. The defining thing that always makes the bible true to me is that even things that I don't think work, or don't feel they should work that way... when I do them your way, they work. I see that in the example of yourself. All of those things that you've said ARE love I see in you. Your very name is synonymous in definition with love as you've it. So I see it there.
But I still don't see that act of the play put into flesh aside from in you. I see other ideas of "love" work for other people, and that doesn't make sense. I just had a conversation with a guy a few minutes ago about how he's "putting out feelers" to the girl he likes, but always leaving a way out that he can back peddle to. God that seams cruel to me. (yeah I get to give him my opinion after church... that'll be fun) but  the reality is that some day that's likely to work out for him. I've seen a thousand philosophies of love that aren't anything like yours work out. I'm not saying that I EVER (!) want that to be me. I have seen your definition work the best. I'm not abandoning it by any means. But in most other areas, when people try and twist, distort, fog or flat out try things different than you, it doesn't have the epic fail that usually follow things that are not your idea. I suppose I'm curious why you allow that in this of all areas to go on. you allow the lines of "success" to get blurred here where in other places and compartments of life you draw a distinct contrast. Is that your compassion? and if it is, than where's your compassion for those that adhere to your definition? The responsibility of adhering to your best idea is great, and so are its rewards I'm sure, but when does your compassion decide on our success. or even on our levity. this is when I want to see you, to have that kind of coffee chat with you. I know that you desire my trust, and you have it. I just wish for the same intimate understanding I get from you on other things.

Well its kinda late (for most people) and I just said goodnight to some of the people I love the most. They're scattered all over the globe and I still get to tell them "G'night." I have an essay to finish by the morning, I've been working on it a while and just need to get my head out, or my head is out and I need to clear it before going back... either way, here I am and most decidedly not there.
It's been a few weeks since my last blog, not cause I didn't want to, I've actually been meaning to write for a while, but some silence is good too. And even though i thrive on transparency, its better that some things are held solo or kept between only a few. But there is something I've learned about God over the last, gosh, I don't know how long, Its been a few years of educating at this point. It has to do with how I see God now verse how I saw him when I first became a Christian. I don't know that I'd call it a nicer picture... but its probably more accurate.
When God first started showing up, it was fun, He was exciting to get to know! He was a trip man, so new...so exciting, so...I don't know...fun. And even though it was nerve racking sometimes, just with different things I went through to see different parts of him. it was exciting...It was a literal adrenaline rush. It was the same euphoria as I get flying or Rock climbing when I have to do something a little stupid to get my next grab. It felt the same, just as real. Just as high. But God didn't keep that. in fact its very upside down from what I always thought I was getting into with him. So what keeps me on his side if he's not like he was... simple. I didn't start believing because he was fun, not even, I wanted nothing to do with "his kind of fun," I was pleasantly surprised when I started enjoying him. No; I believed because I saw the things I saw in the bible, (not the things in churches or from christians mind you, I'll save that for a not as family friendly blog ;) and the things it said about Jesus, and the things it said about God... When I really looked, they were true. or at least with some of them "IF" they were true, I could believe in a God like that.
I saw a principle in "truth" that to be truth, I couldn't decide it to be true, I could only recognize it as true. it was true regardless of my recognition of it. so what kind of drastic difference does this make. To me... it makes everything different. You see I don't enjoy God most of the time any more, in fact, to be perfectly honest, some days I don't even like him. I've said the prayer more than once "I'm not going along with you because I want to... but because I told you I would" because like it or not; He was still God: and even though being with him is "uncomfortable" (*PG). and some times flat out hurts. I know that he IS a better man than I. and I can trust a better man than me. I remember a teaching recently where [scott] said, "if your wanting to get into ministry because of your compassion for people, I hate to tell you, your gonna have a short carrier." because your compassion will only get you so far; it will only last through so many long nights, hard conversations and 2 am phone calls. "Your going to run out of compassion, because your dealing with people, and people hurt. but a compulsion for God to see his glory, in all of the mess of life, thats an endurance you cant measure." That idea has been bouncing around in my head since I heard it. because it resonates with my life, you see THAT makes my life make sense. because even thought I don't LIKE God...I can still love who he is. Because I know he's right... because even though some days it seams so much easier if I could just ignore him... I know he's real. And knowing that he's real, changes things. it doesn't make life full of smiles and games. It doesn't make my nights any shorter or have me wake up rested and peaceful. but after the longest night, I can get out of my bed in the morning knowing that life still hurts, [so and so] is still gone, whatever is going good in my life has the ability to combust just as fast as the last thing did. I can get up, take a deep breath and count every minute until I go to sleep tonight only to do it all again tomorrow. I can do that, not because I can fake a smile, take a pill or think of greener grass, but because I know that the one who said that He's there...is there. and that same one said that he's faithful to me, and I believe him, even though I doubt, I trust. and even though life doesn't make sense, I know that I can KNOW what I see in him is real and thats enough some how. I find some fortitude in "truth," I don't find much energy there, but I do find strength.

Disconnect

Disconnected, disjointed, fragmented... like a vacuum cleaner that still gets run around on the floor but isn't plugged in, you can click the button all you want, but its not gonna do its job very well. Tired of perfunctory "bliss." Smile and wave. Act on the fringe of wantonness. Full in awareness, at least you have that right... um... yeah... right. Never, not, or not now.... never seams to never be never here... or is that ever? The bible is so clear about how vague it is. Choose... but then you choose what you cant choose, and you've made a wonderful choice actually. because that makes sense. After all, nothing makes sense to make sense... that wouldn't make sense would it? Not by experience. But its not like you can really decide anyway, you place your bets and walk away rich or poor. It was the same bet... but now your broke, fine fine... or maybe rich (call me a cynic). and on that note, I'm gonna go eat pizza.

Character of unbelief

I've been thinking about character allot lately, which is nothing abnormal, I think about character often. One particular facet of character though has been most in my mind. It's the contrast that I see between Christians and non Christians. As I usually do I only tell a surmised conclusion of whatever I'm thinking and not really how i got there. [A thing that i find funny because it used to annoy the crap out of parents] And so I posted the concise version of my thoughts on my Facebook saying that:" Non-Christians go to hell with twice the character than Christians take to heaven." But I thought for fun I'd actually tell you the rationale behind it, (mostly because of comments people have made to me.) 

Under character I consider: Integrity, ethic (work and social), Honor, Honesty (down to which I include intent to deceive), Courage, fortitude, patience etc.  My observation is that I see more of this showing through the lives of people outside of Christianity than inside. The point was made on the status that Christians have a higher standard of character found in the bible than non Christians do in whatever source they site. And yes, that’s true the bible does depict a standard, however if you believe that all truth emanates from God than all men are held to biblical standard regardless of their recognition. A truly biblical view puts man completely on an equal plain. Siting that Christians exhibit less character because of higher standards is moral relativism. Which, honestly, is what I believe the problem is in Christianity; we treat people like we're on a bell and of course you can imagine where we put ourselves on the curve. Its a mindset problem, (not a small one by the way) and I believe that it leads to either seeing an impossible thing and therefore not trying; or a much sadder, more destructive conclusion that we achieve this standard simply by being a Christian. Honestly thats the one I see more of I think. It’s an assumption that your magically a better person because you’re on the side of truth. That’s pretty arrogant, oh yeah, and completely naive. You become a Christian because of something that someone else did for you remember? Why do you think the bible states so many warnings for how we live and love in this world? As far as living goes, Christians do have a source of understanding truth, it’s the combination of God’s word and Gods ministry to us, aka reading your bible and having the Holy Spirit. This is a point that I had some agreement on, even though it wasn't something I disputed... what I disputed is that despite the advantage that Christians DO have to be leaders in morals and personal character, we completely suck! Ask a business man which he would rather have working for him and a strong majority will take a non Christians any day. But wait... don't all the warnings teach Christians to watch their lives so that people can see their faith? Oh, people can see your faith, more than I think you know. People have a phony meter and they can see how genuine your beliefs, and your character are. I have a bible degree and I'd rather hang out with the average person on a street corner or talk with random people in a restaurant than go to lunch with someone after church. Character doesn't save you from hell, or earn you heaven, Christ is the difference, A God that trades places with you. So why does my conclusion surprise you? Why do you assume that the Elitist of peoples will be in heaven? Don’t we see different in the bible. Jesus says “its not the healthy that need a doctor but the sick.” Won’t heaven be filled with messed up people…  If you can answer that than answer this… why do you assume that you’re not one of the messed up? I find most Christians put themselves in the “not so messed up” category. Shame, because I believe its assumptions like that that place higher character in non-Christians. They still care if they have integrity, care about respect, and want to be an honorable person. So now you have my thoughts, you have my conclusions…post your thoughts… 

the rhymes of the times that slip my mind; Day in... and day out. Phrases define the thoughts that negate my mind; forgotten by the tongue; inability to redefine  they bypass the security they'd provide. why's it so hard to find that instead in the divine. Words and wonders, understood and unpacked is the "hope" I attract my means to. to understand to comprehend even the recesses and processes that I possess. course it never gets lonely in there, there's more than I can share... to myself evidently. Much less a world or even a person that I care for or intend for... and what about wait for?!  ...Oh to wait for. Where's the line drawn between romance afar and delusion amidst? am I to know?... Or am i to simply risk? Imagination seams to be my blessing and my course. When the what if's and could be's seam like should and would be's. Am I wrong, am I gone?....hmm; gone? To be wrong in the end seams less than a loss, lower than under, because wrong doesn't mean have or haven't any more; but how could and you shouldn't. I understand the place these rhymes lead your mind. but its not up to your mind to decipher mine. there's allot of hands but only two I see. one that presses and waits for me... one that covers the head of shame; and on the other hand lies all the other hands you see. More you ask...ha!... I know there are but those are the two that I shake. And there is more that baffles my mind, that steals my thoughts and takes my time. but not this time, this time is that time and I'll do that another time.,

feed the need...

There are two sides to our lives; the physical side (of which I include emotional and behavioral aspects) and the spiritual. The relationship between these sides of a persons life play a dance back and forth that can almost always be seen only in glimpses, but never do you see every spin dip or perorate. They change leads as they move around the dance floor. Sometimes intentionally but other times one simply goes where the music takes them and forgets the dance they started at the beginning of the song.  There are times in the physical dimensions of our life that devastate, frustrate, or interrupt the spiritual. There are circumstances and things people do to us in life, invited or not that, that unlace the shoes of one or another and cause the other to carry a limp body across a glossy floor. Wether you agree with me about the relationship between masculinity and femininity or not, you'll likely agree that in a dance their needs to be a lead. Its logical to me that by design the stronger should lead, because if one needs to be carried across the floor at times they are better suited. This is the spiritual, for as little is seen and understood it is stronger. it has the ability to carry the tangent side of life when it crumbles faintly. If thats ever happen to you than you've seen that when nothing else is left we grab ahold of what we know to be true and real, wether we understand it or not we reach with everything we have! When we allow the spiritual to degrade because it was either counterfeit or neglected we cant grab the physical in the same way. I wont say that grabbing the physical is harder, because its not true, its actually easier. But not better. 
I remember less than a year ago going through a time where I needed the spiritual. Not in a "got my daily food" kind of way. but I couldn't get through my day without the peace I found in scripture. The physical foundations and philosophies I built my life on were gone or changing. The spiritual side was the only steady, only real thing that could keep me from drowning. I remember relating this to one of my professors. He saw this part of my life through. And I remember a conversation in the middle of the swelling waves of a long storm, where I related to him how necessary it was to be just reading and reading in my bible. Literally if I hadn't sat and read in the last few hours I couldn't breath, Panic and clouds of dark dark depression set over my spirit. the time frames of keeping life together wasn't set in a day by day fashion but in a moment by moment hour by hour. It's nice not to be there any more. I like sitting on the floor instead of living there. walking instead of wallowing. I don't enjoy the process of picking myself up off of the floor. but the necessity of Gods words to guide each breath... inhale.... exhale; is missed. without a reliance on it I find myself drifting in the dance. letting the weaker to lead. dragging the large figure of the stronger side laid limp on its quivering frame still trying to make it look natural. 
Have you ever had a close friend, and during a season, you txt occasionally, you leave a message here or there but you find yourself one day realizing that you haven't sat still and looked deep in their eye and sought to understand more of them, to BE with them. Feeling your life connected again. It's been months since I've had more then the few cordial TXT messages that go on between me and my savior. Allot of blogs,. or writings draw to a close making sure to leave the reader with a tidy bow wrapped around the thought. "God is amazing...blah blah." ... and he is. I'm just saying that real life at the end of the day looks more like the frail dance partner trying to get out off the floor with whatever dignity they can... and so for my grand exit; my malnourished partner and I will bow out with a smile, and grab some fresh air...

Batteries not included

I have dreams and ideas, things I endeavor to accomplish, and the game is seems to be wait. Not do nothing…but wait. The difference is that in waiting, it won’t just happen suddenly. Ideas don’t instantly soar like I think they should. Few people have the means to do all that our heart and mind set to pursue. Which means for the rest of us…we wait. And work one day at a time hoping to move if only an inch a day.

I’m an idealist, I have BIG dreams. Plans to change the world, literally! Unlike most I’m naive enough to still believe as an adult that it’s possible. Good, I like myself with just the right amount of delusional. And so I wait. Not until God snaps his fingers and drops it on the floor in front of me. But waiting looks more like time, it takes time for my reality to take a firm grasp on my ideology: It evolves, typically only seeing progress when you look behind you.

With relationships it’s different: “do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” God see’s a bigger picture, and doesn’t just endorse what we ask him to, when we ask him to. No good father would blindly do that for their children. But I remain a hopeless romantic.  I can’t honestly say that I wait with so much patience in this one anymore. This is an area that I don’t have the desire to wait but only do so because I know what’s right. I’m realizing more and more that I’m marked, stained. I let past influence experience interrupt how I would like to act, and who I would rather be. So the battle becomes not waiting; but fear of not seizing the day. This can be a wonderful thing if you’re playing the pursuer!!! But becomes difficult when the job you know you have is to wait. Sometimes the task of waiting calls for you to shelve ourselves, which isn’t such a bad habit to consider with this topic anyway ;) But it becomes a battle inside your will, life has taught you one thing and yet you believe another must be true. And when non-activity is the thing you fear the most, and yet what you know is right at this point in life.

Wait for life, wait for love, wait for gradual change to reach the point of ‘noticeable.’ Sometimes I think “will I ever be done with this thing you like to do God?” like someday I’ll reach some pinnacle of spiritual maturity and God will say “Good, got that stuff out of the way, now all you have to do is ask and it’s your…just add water” Like waiting on God is a form of spiritual boot camp instead of a form of intimacy with God. The sad thing is that allot of times I expect that from Him someday. I know it’s not who he is, but I seem to think it’s the way he should be. But ya know, it’s not such a bad problem really, because this kind of thing marks the thing between God and myself as a relationship, I do not own religion! Woot!!